BTW, before anyone gets alarmed, the subject line is a quote from Marving the Paranoid Android.

If you don’t know who Marvin is, lemme know, we’ll send you in the right direction.

Here’s another cool poem from Marvin:

See, I put these in here because it makes whatever I say seem bright and cheery in contrast.

It seems I’m at some kind of turning point; I’m not sure why. Perhaps because everything is so intense right now. My kids? Intense. Work is more intense. The economy, or course, it goes without saying: pretty fucked up.

I suppose I’m at some kind of low point, in this roller coaster that I’ve been on for a long time. As always, I can’t seem to focus on anything long enough to actually acomplish it. I have several work projects that aren’t done. Of course there’s a long list of things at home to do. There are bills to be paid. My kids are running wild, and anything I do to try and deal with them backfires. My wife and I sleep in the same bed, (not knocking it – it beats the alternatives) but at a time when we should be together on so many things I feel like we’re as far apart as we’ve ever been.

Little things blow up into big things. “Clean your room” can turn into a screaming match. Homework is a battle. Yet, we sign the kids up to do sports. Why? Because they have five times the energy of normal folks, for one. Because they don’t have many other opportunities to be with kids their age. Because they need to get out of the house and off the couch and just DO something. But then practice (or the game) is over, everyone is tired, and there’s homework, and laundry, and dishes, and bathtime yet.

I promised nearly a month ago to write stories of our vacation, our plane trip to see family and attend a wedding. I haven’t done crap on that. Not even a draft. Why? Because much of the time it was painful. I fought with my kids, and they with me. My oldest in particular, but it spilled over to everyone. Hurtful things were said.

I realized that I do not want to ever do this again with my kids – not if I have to go through that again. It was that bad. And I say that for the kids’ sake as much as my own; they don’t need to deal with me in a situation like this. If they are acting out that strongly, there’s a reason.

On the other hand? There were good times. Watching the family dancing at the reception. Snatching my daughter from the jaws of a hungry seagull. We had some moments.

Why can I not look past the negative and see the positive? It’s gone beyond “the glass is half empty” to “even if I do nothing the glass is going to empty itself.”

Sorry, I told you up top this was dreary. I just have to write it out, get it out, say something to myself. Tomorrow will be better, I’m sure. If not then, perhaps the next day.

Here’s a more cheery quote: