It happens every year but it still feels like getting tackled on my blind side.
Yup, seasonal what the fuck disorder.
I know much more now than I used to. I know depression lies. I know that the changing seasons affect me more strongly than many others. I know it starts around November and can last several months, and that the best thing I can do is not act on impulses.
I know I’m not alone, even when it feels like that is exactly the case.
It has been five years since I began destroying my life in earnest. A chance encounter (which in hindsight wasn’t chance at all, more like I was the target of a scam) that started with a silly ‘do you remember me’ type of message. I’m dealing with a memory that never forgets; never forgets how badly I have fucked over not just myself but those that are closest to me. No, I can’t just let this go. I am bitter as hell at getting fucked so eloquently by someone I thought cared about me. I’m sure my kids have a similar feeling about me.
This season it sucks to be me. Family get togethers are another time to relive the shame of my decisions. Gift giving reminds me of how broke I am. Cold nights reinforce how much I want to hold someone close. I find it really easy to look around and imagine myself absent and know how little I would be missed. My dogs are still happy to see me, so there’s that.
I’m just a ray of sunshine.
time to go.