This entry is a mess and will probably languish forever in the drafts folder. Much of this does not need to be said, but I have a compelling need to write it down. If that makes any sense. It’s getting to be the end of the year, and as always I’m feeling like a little looking back may be in order.

I love to write about happy things. The “Good Things” as a certain felon would say. And I do! I post funny stuff or happy stuff without thinking twice. You can’t shut me up. Especially on ambien nights. I think that’s why the darker crap builds up. I don’t fling shit as easily as I fling the flower petals.

Believe it or not, I’m still optimistic. I always wish for the best. I always think today is a new day, a new opportunity. Unless sometimes I’m really on the verge of throwing myself in front of a train. Life usually just shits all over my optimism, and yet I hold onto just enough to keep moving. I don’t sound optimistic on paper because I have a very dry way of putting things, and I’m a realist. Heh.

The biggest elephant in the draft folder, of course, is my life. Go figure. It’s been nearly three years since I destroyed my marriage. My eyes still burn when I look at these words, even after all the water that has passed under the bridge at this point. No matter where my head or heart is, I live each day knowing how badly I have scarred my kids, how badly I fucked up the relationship with my wife. This will never, ever be forgotten. Forgiveness is highly doubtful. I have read in many places about how guilt is a useless emotion, because the only purpose it serves is to make a person feel bad, but that doesn’t help much. Useless or not, there it is. I’ve got a bumper crop. Two years ago I was spending the holidays alone and suicidal – this, too has passed. One year ago things were seeming better. Nowadays I usually feel like I’m treading water.

Do you ever watch horror movies and the Stupid Person (whom, for whatever reason, you are rooting for anyway) is about to do something extremely dumb, and you want to shout something like “don’t go into the basement!” or “turn around, idiot, he’s right behind you!” or “WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?” That’s me looking back at stuff I’ve said or done. The past few years especially plays in my head like a movie; it always has the same ending, and yet I’m yelling at the dumbass “Don’t do that, you are just going to fuck things up!” and the dumbass does it anyway. Even throwing popcorn at the screen doesn’t help. If I’m beating myself about this shit, it’s only because I deserve it, and then some.

I know I’m solely responsible for what I did. My wife and kids certainly didn’t ask for it (nor deserve it). The only other person involved claimed long ago they were just influenced by alcohol at the time. As odd as that sounds, I prefer it to my other theories of why they bothered to get involved with me. In any case, what is behind me is not important (to steal a quote from Gumball Rally).

What next?

I never planned for any of this, I never set out to fuck up so many things. I can see now that I am fundamentally somehow broken, otherwise how the fuck could I do what I have done and hurt so many loved ones, but this self, this ‘me,’ is what I have to work with; I must press on, embracing my new trust issues and all that jazz :Tounge-Out: .

One thing I’m thinking about doing is leaving this blog behind. Ten years ago it was an outlet, a way for me to say things I wouldn’t otherwise say. It became a fun way to learn about interesting people and things around the world. I’ve met a couple of great friends thanks to my blog. As my marriage imploded I kept it going (as an outlet for frustrations, mostly). In the last year or two very few people have been reading, my primary visitor is just checking in each day to laugh or gloat or whatever the fuck she does when she visits. Yeah, I still post music videos, jokes. My thoughts about movies. (I gotta say the Bob Dylan interactive video was pretty cool). I’d write more about my kids but there are privacy issues to contend with. Should I post recipes? Should I try and make a little money? Start drawing cartoons? Cartoons are popular. As are pictures of cats. That’s it, I could become a crazy cat blogger. One of thousands, but still. Edit to add that Miley has now fucked up being a crazy cat person. Thanks, Miley.

I’m just musing at this point, if I hang on a few more months I think it will be the actual 10 year anniversary (HA! And they say I have commitment issues) so maybe I’ll keep puttering on until spring. Unless I don’t.

Well, since this whole entry is just a bucket of fucking sunshine, how about something light to finish it off?