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Island time

May 24, 2012 in Mindfulness, Personal by Ben | No comments

More musings from deep within. Beware the belly gazing.

Well the dawn was coming,
heard him ringing on my bell
He said, “My name’s the teacher,
that is what I call myself

And I have a lesson
that I must impart to you
It’s an old expression
but I must insist it’s true

Jump up, look around,
find yourself some fun,
no sense in sitting there hating everyone
No man’s an island and his castle isn’t home,
the nest is for nothing when the bird has flown”

This post stems from a train of thought I have been following for a while. I’m trying to make sense of some things and get myself to focus my energy positively.

A huge area for me to improve is how I see myself. For far too long I have looked outward and judged myself on how others view me, on what they say to me or about me when I’m not around.

(LOL – Self Esteem by The Offspring just came on the radio. I’m not making this up -Editor)

If you have been reading my stuff for a while, you know I’ve struggled now and then with depression, or anger and frustration at things. Right. I’ve shared these things on my blog for whatever reason, mostly because it helps me sort through my thoughts to write them out, and also because I like feedback sometimes.

A while ago, coming up on two years I guess, a very old friend of mine found me on the ol’ internet. It’s always fun to find old friends, and this was no exception. What happened soon after was an exception, I think, our relationship went from catching up on each other and what had happened over the years to quickly becoming teasing and flirting and more. Saying “it was fucked up” is doing a disservice to things that are fucked up.

I’m not blaming my friend for what followed, I don’t know what she wanted but I’m sure it wasn’t what ended up happening – I absolutely shattered my world, my marriage, my family, having an emotional affair with what was really just a figment of my imagination. I wanted so badly to feel wanted and desired that I was willing to believe anything that was said – and a lot was said. Lies on top of other lies, an elaborate fantasy world that would never stand up to scrutiny. I finally somehow came to my senses, it was sort of like standing in a pitch dark kitchen and suddenly the lights come on. Wow. In hindsight I can see how badly (stupidly, foolishly) I fell for simple or not-so-simple deceptions.

So I took a journey,
threw my world into the sea.
With me went the teacher
who found fun instead of me.

Hey man, what’s the plan, what was that you said?
Sun-tanned, drink in hand, lying there in bed.
I try to socialize but I can’t seem to find
what I was looking for, got something on my mind.

You know how you can play fetch with your dog and once in a while pretend to throw the ball and he’ll run all over trying to find it? That was me. The dog, not the person with the ball. Only I kept falling for it over and over. And over. It is no consolation when people tell me “this sort of thing happens a lot.” I’m smarter than this. Or I thought I was. I never saw her, there wasn’t really any chance of that happening (I realized later she clearly wanted just emails, not a physical relationship). But I didn’t wise up, I didn’t walk away, I didn’t realize how messed up I was, I rationalized a ton of bullshit along the way.

Bitter much? Yeah, I was. Probably still am. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. (that’s Johnny Nash, to save you the trouble of googling). Several months ago I made the decision to remove this friend from my life. There was, is no other way, our relationship became a cancer that was destroying my soul.

Right now the main thing I want in a relationship is honesty and openness. I want this more than anything else. I have been dishonest and evasive, and now I realize just how hurtful this is to everyone involved. I am ashamed of what I have done, of things I have said. That’s an understatement. It is hard for me to face family and friends – they have been wonderfully supportive all along, but it is painful to look at them, knowing the damage I have done.

I’m trying to live as an example, and deal honestly and fairly with others. My purpose on this planet, other than to serve as a warning to others (ha), is to love my wife and kids, and provide for them the best I can. I don’t know that my marriage will ever recover, but that won’t stop me from loving and caring for my wife. Love isn’t enough. I’m done giving a shit about how other people look at me, what they think about me, whether they think I’m “special” or “hot” or any other bullshit – none of that matters. I am going to be very mistrustful when someone is nice to me, because now I see how badly I was used for little games. As far as I’m concerned – everybody lies. I can only worry about me.

(LMAO – “Let it Be” just came on the radio. Hit publish, motherfucker, and go get some lunch – Ed.)

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trying to un-break an egg

April 18, 2012 in Personal by Ben

We watched Puss in Boots the other day.  In case you are unfamiliar with the movie, Puss is a cat (who wears boots, hence the name) and apparently he was raised in an orphanage with his buddy, Humpty Alexander Dumpty. And to answer an eggcellent question from one of my kids: No, Shrek is not in this movie.

No point to me telling you all that, really, but I think that’s why I have eggs on my mind.

“All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.”  I imagine the horses were doing most of the work, anyway, since the King’s men usually just stand around fucking with their IPhones.

In my life I’m having a similar challenge.  Not an egg, but something just as fragile: my relationship with my wife and kids.

I fucked that egg up, big time.

Apologies don’t fix anything.  Regret and shame have their place, yes, but don’t mend broken hearts.   The damage is done. True story – one time when I was a kid, I got in trouble (probably for hitting my brother) and sent to my room. I decided I would “show” my parents just how mad they made me and I sat down and very deliberately and thoroughly destroyed one of my toys, a little city in a suitcase for matchbox cars and airplanes – tore it to tiny little plastic pieces, made it absolutely useless. Yeah, I sure showed them. Forty years later and I still make a mess of things given half a chance.

Today is a significant day.  Our first date was on April 18th.  For a while, it seemed like a big deal each time we made it another month, and we would send a card or candy or something on the 18th of the month to commemorate. “Happy 18th,” we would say. April 18th was extra special.

There is a long complicated story about how I fell for a fantasy, and somehow concluded that another person was more important than my wife.   My therapist tells me that he sees it all the time, how easy it is to believe lies and use imagination to build up an elaborate ideal “other” that somehow seems more appealing than dealing with reality. (That is no excuse, I think he was just trying to tell me I wasn’t a total freak.) It was like any affair, very easy to fall for since there is no weight to it, no checks and balances, no reality to interfere with the fun and games. This person that I had not seen, nor even seen photos; (still haven’t, actually), a secret so-called ‘relationship’ based on nothing more than text messages and emails, and I was willing to not just break an egg but burn a thousand bridges and destroy the life I, no, we had built for it.

There were plenty of giant red warning flags, warning signs, friends telling me to not to fucking even think about it. I ignored them all. (see many prior posts: I am an idiot. A very stubborn idiot). I finally realized my mistake, but too late. As I said, I’m afraid the damage may be done, it may be too late to recover.

I’m not writing this asking for sympathy; I am responsible for the whole mess. I know what I want, but I’m only part of this equation, and do not have the final word in what may happen. Love is nothing without trust and faith. This is part of examining the consequences of my choices.

Tonight, on the 29th anniversary of our first date, I’m alone with a Netflix movie, a glass of wine, my thoughts, and my regrets.

Yeah, I sure showed them.

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it just seems whiny

February 19, 2012 in Personal by Some Guy | 1 comment

I was talking to my therapist last week.  He is busy playing ‘catch up’ on all my issues; I’ve known him about ten years but haven’t gone to him for therapy in about five years, probably more.  Yeah, I could look it up, but nobody gives a shit about exactly how long it’s been. Last year I saw a different therapist, someone I liked a lot. I’m not sure what to think about that.

“It’s been a… a long time since my last confession.”

Yeah, everyone knows what that means.  It’s been TOO long, ha.

So where was I?  Playing catch up.  Yeah.  The best way I can describe my mental state is “clusterfuck.”  My spell check tells me that isn’t a word, but it is totally a word, and it’s where I’m at many days.  So when i decided to return to therapy, I sat down and tried to figure out some kind of game plan; what did I need to focus on for optimal results?  Yeah, I overthink everything, I’m under delusions that I know how to “do therapy” better than my actual therapist, lol.  I have issues with myself, with my kids, with work, with my wife, hell, I can probably work in my parents and the environment and politics, too, if there’s time.

Naturally, my doctor saw through most of my bullshit, it didn’t take him long to tell me a few things that I probably already knew but kept denying.  We did talk a bit about depression. Yeah, I’m glossing over stuff here, but that’s because I write these things down as a means to sort through my own feelings. I don’t know that anyone is actually reading here, or how you may feel about what I write, that is all secondary to my writing things down ;)  Again I digress. My depression. Yes, it’s there. Does it impair me?  Of course. But HOW badly does it impair me, and what to do about it?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just pee in a cup, or get an x-ray, and get back a firm diagnosis of your mental state?  It doesn’t work that way. LMAO.

Anyway, we talked about it, and one of his questions was about what happened to my mood when I moved out.  To me, it seemed, for lack of better terms, flat. I didn’t fall off a cliff, but I wasn’t happy, either. Of course it’s more complicated than that, this is a bit of diarrhea of the brain.  I’m also looking back after seven or eight months and trying to remember how I was feeling at the time.  I found myself telling him of things I do like about living alone.

I can be nekkid anytime I want.

I don’t have to share the TV.  I can watch movies, listen to music when I want.

I can choose what I eat and when.

It’s quiet when I want it to be. Which is a lot of the time.

My list goes on. Very superficial stuff, for the most part. I feel selfish for feeling the way I do.  I feel selfish for seeing any silver lining at all in my failing marriage.  Maybe my wife is right, that all I want is to take the easy way out, to escape my responsibilities.  Escape. (I hear Dory say “E-Scop-A”)  But what, if any, of these things are because of depression?  And ultimately, does it matter if it’s because of depression or because of something else?  When I say “I like to pick what I eat for dinner,” am I dodging a bigger question, or am I really just happy about picking my dinner?

I miss things, too. I miss adult conversation. Adult as in ‘grown up,’ not adult as in sexy.  Yeah, honestly I miss sex, too, and I miss holding hands and sharing jokes and winks.  I miss sleeping beside my wife. I doubt she misses my snoring and farting. I don’t think I was a very good partner, looking back.  Not that I can change the past.  I miss my kids.  I miss my puppy dog.  I wonder what tomorrow will bring, or next month, or next year. I have honestly wondered at tunes  if I would even be around next month or next year. So much of this I’m making up day to day.

I warned you, this was going to be rambling.

My list of things to work on in therapy keeps growing. My bank account does not.  This is gonna be a bit of a wild ride, and probably too short, and then wherever I am I’m gonna have to just move on.

 

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Optimism

February 14, 2012 in Blog news by Ben

This rolled into my inbox today:

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Hmm. My problem is I’ve been planting weeds for a very long time. Look what I have to show for it now.

Today I’m trying not to pay too much attention to all the romantic stuff flying around on places like facebook or twitter or on the radio. I got just what I asked for, which was to be alone. I thought it would be a much more fulfilling, happier place, instead of how I actually feel. This is what I get for thinking I actually understand myself, heh.

Today I’m also going to see a therapist. The last time I tried therapy I got to feeling so much better about myself that I ended my marriage after 24 years. Go, me. Of course, there is much for me to figure out. I think the roadblocks and landmines I have placed everywhere could be insurmountable, yet for some reason I’m not ready to give up on trying to sort things out.

I wonder what will happen this time.

Dear Red, If you’re reading this, you’ve gotten out. And if you’ve come this far, maybe you’re willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don’t you? I could use a good man to help me get my project on wheels. I’ll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready. Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend, Andy Dufresne.

and how can you not read that in Morgan Freeman’s voice?

compare that to Marvin:

Life! Don’t talk to me about life.

Titty sprinkles.

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