Depression isn’t fun, or funny. It’s a slippery bugger, just when you think you’ve got a handle on it, it turns out it has you, instead.
Perhaps I should preface this entry with: it may self destruct, faster than I can.
So we spent the day visiting an old friend of ours. No, not ours, my wife’s, an old boyfriend (I’ve written a little before about him)
No big deal, right? He’s an extremely nice guy. Bought me a beer, even.
But my brain – my brain, my emotions, my whatever-the-fuck you call it, keeps making it a big deal. Am I reading too much in the way he looked at her? I mean, yeah, she married me (and has spent most of her life since then regretting it, I’m sure). But I still wonder.
Why did I even go? Was it so I could chat with him about kids and football? Was I hoping she might actually have sex with me again? (the best sex we’ve had in years has been after she’s talked to this guy, it seems). Was it so my kids can revolt for the next three days over leaving them with a sitter?
See what I mean about the depression? It makes you say ugly things. But only to your blog, god knows I can’t grow a pair and talk with my wife like this.
I’ve spent two hours trying to fall asleep, and this shit keeps churning in my mind. Maybe now I can let it go. Maybe in a few minutes I’ll delete this, I dunno. Maybe if I sleep it’ll feel better tomorrow. Here’s to hoping.
Sweetie, you know from experience that when you finally DO screw up the courage to be straight with your wife, she’s totally there for you. That said, a lot of this is your own personal stuff (which I’m sure you know), but it needs to be dealt with. Talk to your doctor, talk to your wife, but START TALKING. A blog is not a substitute for good health care. You’re hurting and there’s no need to just suffer.
Have you ever been evaluated for Seasonal Affective Disorder? Seems to me that this is a familiar fall/winter refrain for you. (And lord knows that without my SAD light I’d be a raving lunatic by now.)
Thinking of you. Take good care of yourself, willya?
Hold on to whatever it takes to get past this. Don’t let go. You can’t see it right now, but your family, friends and fans adore you. After the fog lifts, you’ll see more clearly.
Write poetry. Post lyrics. Or do like I do and just post pictures when you don’t have the words.