CAR CARE
An elderly Florida resident called 911 on her cell phone. To report her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel , the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” he says, “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath . She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92 year old is setting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says. “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” As she raps her fingers on the table, she yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
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“I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!”
Three retires, each with hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?” The second man replied, “No, it’s Thursday.” Then the third man chimed in. “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To get my teeth!”
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said. “Now, don’t get mad at me. I know we’re been friends for a long time… but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just sat and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!” He said, “It’s not just one, it’s hundreds of them!”
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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car where both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The traffic light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh Crap. Am I driving?”
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LITTLE OLD LADY DRIVER
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, an AZ state police officer sees a car puttering along at 17 MPH. He thinks to himself “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies– two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!” What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am.” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…seventeen miles an hour.” the old woman says a bit proudly. The AZ state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “17” was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.” But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car ok? The women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks. “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off highway 101.”