Spring has sprung. Flowers are blooming, as are trees and grass
(ah-choo), birds are in the air.
Squirrels and other critters are busy making more critters. The sun
is shining, and it was nearly 90 degrees here for the last couple
days.
But I am feeling down, again. In fact it has gotten so bad that I
hesitate to write about it.
Is that twisted, or what?
Yeah, it’s my blog, yadda yadda. But I feel like I’ve driven away
many people that used to visit with my rantings. I’m very thankful
for those of you who come by and check on me and say kind things, it
truly is appreciated. It’s nice to know I’m more than just Emma
Watson’s Boobs to the internets.
But I watch the news and I’m dismayed at how the world seems to be
going to hell. Crime. War. Environmental catastrophes. Ugly politics.
Economic troubles all over. And here I am, this giant bundle of
negative energy. I’m full of anger right now, anger not directed at
any one thing or person but at everything and everybody. I can’t let
myself be happy, or content.
Some of my more random bits:
I signed up for FitDay (see them over there somewhere in the middle of
the massive blogroll that I don’t get to as often as I like). They
have a tab for ‘weight’ and for me? it says “off the chart.” People,
I have to lose 40 pounds just to be counted as “SEVERE OVERWEIGHT.”
If I lose two pounds a week (which is probably a lot), well, you can
do the math. It’ll be late summer fefore I’m even considered “SEVERE
OVERWEIGHT.” Damn.
I bought shoes, so that I can walk without my feet hurting (because
when you’re as big as a garbage truck you need a little support). And
I feel mega-guilty about spending the money on shoes. And I feel
guilty about spending time walking (I try to go every night, from
thirty minutes to an hour and a half, depending on how far I walk).
Last night I’m going out, after getting the baby to bed, and my five
year old (who is ready for bed himself) asks if he can go. No, honey,
it’s too close to your bedtime. The look he gave me just stabbed me
in the heart. (could I have gone earlier? Maybe, but put the baby
in the stroller and then I can’t walk the dogs, too)
Last night after dinner my wife says “lets go buy a coffee table.” I
said we couldn’t afford it. PISSED HER OFF. Of course it did. The
thing is this week we are having a cash crunch, I had to make a car
payment, we just payed off some other bills, etc. Monday she gets
paid and we’ll be fine, but this week I’m taking cash out of savings
to cover things.
She leaves the room to go read on our bed, I go to talk about it.
“Maybe we can do it”
“I just want an $89 table at Target.” (Well, that’s different, I
pictured a $300 coffee table from a furniture place) She continues
“Oh, your shoes came today.”
STAB. My $85 shoes arrived by UPS. What’s the implication? Had I
not blown the money on MY shoes, we could have OUR table. ‘Do you
want to go to target?’ I asked. “No, I don’t, I don’t want to chase
the kids all over the store.” (like that’s stopped us before)
No mention of the $200 we spent last weekend driving to the beach, or
the fact that I bought and paid for the shoes in February and this is
just a replacement for the wrong size, or that we just bought a
freakin’ VAN and both agreed that things would be a little tight since
we aren’t used to having a car payment. No, it’s my shoe’s fault.
And my fault for not making more money, and for not spending the money
we do make more wisely. And as I laced up my shoes to take the dogs
for our walk, my heart sinks that much more, thinking that I’m walking
around in what could have been our coffee table, while my son feels
left out because he is stuck home watching Harry Potter (that just
came out, $20) instead of going with me.
Holy shit, has this turned into a rant. Sorry. I’m sure I’ll regret
it, soon enough.
No more gloom and doom, I need to think happy thoughts. I need to
write happy things. I need to pretend I’m happy, and maybe it’ll
catch on. Meanwhile I’ll be sitting over here in the “OFF THE CHART”
group.