The other day? My little rant? That was just because it was my son’s eighth birthday, and he was bitching at me about something, and my ass was still pretty raw from an entire weekend of Can’t You Fucking Do Anything Right? vibes coming from my wife and kids and extended family, and nobody listened to a damn thing I said and on top of all that I was tired. So yeah, no biggie.

But there’s a bigger “something” that’s been chewing on me. It’s been chewing a long time, but I guess I’m like gristle or something and it just takes a while. It seems to be worse during Christmas, but the entire fall has been pretty sucky, too.

What can be so big, you might ask. Well, the core of my life, I guess. But I’m getting ahead of things.

My wife and I have known each other a long time. It’s hard to put into words just how much we’ve been through together. What is “long?” Well, do you remember the movie “Flashdance?” We saw that at the movies while we were dating. ‘Return of the Jedi?’ Ditto. The Dow Jones topped 1200 that year, I think. So yeah, it’s been a while.

In the years since, and especially since we were married almost 18 years ago, we have rarely had a night where we didn’t sleep under the same roof. I would guess about a dozen nights, total. For most of that time we even slept in the same bed, but thanks to kids that come in and kick and steal blankets, the last year or so has seen more nights where one of us crawls off to find some rest.

So I guess you get it. We’ve been together, well forever. I cannot imagine life without this woman. We have lived in three homes in three cities (two of them ours, the first a rental), owned eight cars, three lawn mowers. We have attended weddings, wakes, birthday parties together. We have worked various places, even for the same company for a while. We have three beautiful kids.

What we don’t have, right now, is any spark.

I know this is probably the evolution of a relationship. We’ve been together so long that there isn’t much new territory to explore. We know what kind of movies the other one likes, and music and books, and food.

But we seem to have lost that need for each other as anything more than domestic help. We have our routines, we drop kids off and pick them up, we make dinner, we take out trash and fold laundry. But that’s about it. We aren’t lovers. Not anymore. I can count on one hand our sexual encounters in the last six months. Is that all a relationship is about? Hell no. At least I don’t think so. But, to me, it indicates how little physical needs take any priority anymore.

We don’t hold hands anymore. Our daughter had surgery yesterday (no biggie, she had her adnoids out) – after dropping the boys at school, I showed up at the clinic just a moment after they went to the back. An hour and a half later the doctor found me in the waiting room and told me where I needed to be. My wife – not glad I’m there, but bitching that I should have been there earlier to help keep the baby calm while we waited to get started. Then she tells me I can go to work. No, thanks, I’d like to stay and make sure there isn’t any problem with anesthesia.

So, what am I saying? After all this crap? I’m saying that I’m down in the dumps because it seems our marriage is falling apart around us. If it weren’t for the occasional light bulb that needed changing, or item on a tall shelf that needed reaching, or bug that needed killing, I really am no longer necessary here.

And I guess that is what’s bringing me down. At least part of it.

Maybe more later, I’m going to get my hair cut…