Ain’t that just nifty?

The voters of Texas overwhelmingly approved a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages.

Why? To “save” marriage from, well, gay people, of course! See, gay people go around wrecking families right and left. Happens almost every day. Just ask your co-workers — chances are their family has been somehow threatened by a gay person who just wanted to have life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Gay people, as we’ve been informed by countless Letters to the Editor over the past couple months, have made a choice to carry on their debaucherous lifestyle, and that screws it up for the rest of us who have no choice but seek out members of the opposite sex to marry.

Next up on the religious zealot’s agenda? First, an amendment banning divorce and even separation. When you say “till death do us part,” by golly you are making a commitment before God, and if you break it? One of you had better be dead. Perhaps we can write that into the amendment, that if the couple splits up one of them has to go. In a permanent way. Now, divorce is very rare, of course, only 4 out of 1,000 people here in Texas get divorced annually. That may be 50% higher than the national average, but divorce has never been known to divide families, not the same way gay people do. Hell, most people don’t even know anyone who has divorced, that’s how rare it is.

After that, surely we’ll make an amendment banning pre-marital sex and infidelity. Go ask those same co-workers (the ones whose families were so threatened by (gasp) gay people) and they will say that, yes, it is extremely rare, but on occasion an affair has perhaps affected a marriage, either theirs or somebody they know. Men having an affair (it’s always the male’s fault, right?) will have their naughty bits severed with a rusty blade, then strung between poles at the entrance to town. Since everything is bigger in Texas, before long we should have some fairly impressive displays. I’ll bet we can even get a reality show out of it (“Okay, our challenge today: match the severed penis to the asshole who lost it. You have three minutes. Go!”)

Once these amendments are in place, everything will be hunky-dory – no more divorce, no more affairs, no pre-marital sex, and (especially important) gay people won’t have any rights. The Taliban never achieved such perfection, in spite of years of trying. We can be an example for all the world. And our families will be so much better for it.