I don’t have anything better to say so I’ll tell you about our washing machine.

Yeah, those of you with lives? Probably have better things to do. So, now that I’m talking to myself…

Saturday morning (as I said) I was doing some house-y stuff and had dishes going and laundry going and kids playing and everything was right with the world until I went to transfer a load of wash into the dryer. You know, right away, when you pull out that first piece of laundry (happened to be jeans this time) and it is sopping wet that something is wrong. I thought: maybe it wasn’t balanced, so it didn’t spin right. So I start the spin again.

Alien monsters having sex sound better than this. Oh. my. god. So, obviously something is broken.

It took about 4.8 seconds for me to do the mental arithmatic on a “fix or replace” decision. The washer is probably 14 years old. It has done countless loads of laundry. The repair place in town (we’ve dealt with them before) would probably take a week to fix it, if they don’t have to order parts. Did I mention it was fourteen years old? Plus, a repair would cost at least $200.

Boom, there it is. We’re getting a new washer.

My wife, bless her heart, took the news well. Only one problem: finding a washer. This is fun on the best of days, taking three children with you appliance shopping? Again, aliens having sex sounds better.

We go to Sears. I don’t care if Google brings anybody here looking for a REVIEW of SEARS APPLIANCES. I’d like it. Do yourself a favor (at least in our town) and just don’t go. We go, with three kids (one is asleep in the bottom of a shopping cart). We look. We try and compare why a “Super Size” washer seems to have the exact same drum size as a “King Size” washer, try and figure out the differences between a Kenmore and Whirlpool with almost identical feature lists but $100 differences in price. We also tried, in vain, to get someone to help us. One of the dozen or so appliance sales people we could see off in the corners talking about The Amazing Race or whatever and pointedly ignoring the couple with the three children (who are all awake by now).

Tony finally comes and helps us. He’s real helpful, as every time I asked a question he would squint at the display tag on each washer and read me the answer. Thanks, Tony. We finally chose a machine. “Let me see if it’s in stock.”

I figured he went to look it up on the computer. No, they had a clipboard. I saw the clipboard. With forty some odd washers on the display floor, there were fourteen in stock. Um, ok. Naturally, each of the ones we chose (five or six that we thought looked “okay”) were out of stock. “But if you buy it tonite you can still get the sale price.”

“When will they be in?” we asked, hopefully. (I am so naive)

“About a week.” Well, then, we could get our old one fixed by then.

Change gears. How about this one? (not exactly what we want, but like an “okay-minus”). “We have that one!” Happy dance! Great. When can you deliver it. “Let me check.”

“Thursday.”

Um, no. We live a mile away, why don’t we just get a dolly and walk it home? Better yet, I know somebody that has a pickup. We tell Tony we’re going to get a pickup. “Would you like to pay for it first?” Um, no. We’ll be back. “The sale goes off tonite!” Poor Tony.

So, we drop the kids off with somebody who loves us and agrees to watch them for a bit. We go to Lowe’s. We walk into the appliance area. Where we found this. My wife thought it sounded like a funny name and was like a store brand, but what she didn’t know is that while she was still at Wal-Mart I had looked it up and found tons of reviews about this thing. So I was doing this little excited dance and pretty much trying not to splurge in my pants and she says “okay, we’ll get it.” It can’t be any worse than the GE we bought all those years ago.

Yay!

So, it was in stock (more than one) and they actually have real live next day delivery, and other than trying to find a salesperson (what is it with sales people in the appliance department? Don’t they pay you people?) it was good. We paid for it and were out of there in thirty minutes, or half the time we had spent farting around Sears. We went and got dinner (togo from Outback) and watched Napoleon Dynamite, which we agreed we might be a little to old to fully appreciate. Sigh. And then we got our kids back.

Delivered by noon on Sunday, and so far I’ve done about ten loads of wash. I can tell you:

• this thing is far quieter than my old one, in all cycles. The old washer you could hear throughout the house (and it’s in the garage), this one you have to go out and check and see if it’s still running.
• the clothes are almost dry when they come out, which really helps our dryer
• it makes cool UFO sounds when it’s operating and has pretty lights
• the drum is 3.7 cu. ft. instead of 3.1 or 3.2 like most others, and is also stainless instead of enamel or whatever
• it comes with a 2 year parts and labor warranty (not 1 year like every other model we saw)
• it was only $600, or $10 more than the kenmore we would have bought
• it spins 1,000 rpm which is why the clothes are so dry when they come out, no belts or gears (DC motor, blah blah blah)
• if you have read this far you deserve a treat
• and Lee deserves one too
• Okay, y’all are picky! How about a Latinotreat?

There. Don’t you wish I had something better to blab about?