A while back I wrote about all the custom car shows that litter cable tv nowadays. We’ve got “pimp my ride” “overhaulin” “monster garage,” lots of custom motorcycle shows, etc. Well someone (was it Randi?) commented they wanted someone to Mommify their Minivan. So of course that got me to thinking – what would truly make the minivan the perfect tool? Not chrome and a loud stereo, no, other stuff, like:
- Multiple video screens / multiple video feeds. Each child has their own movie/game station and must plug in headphones to hear it.
- two cup holders per child. Just in case.
- A window for everyone. Even if you have six kids, they each have an individualized window that nobody else can look out of.
- A robot that delivers snacks / blankets / sippy cups to any seat in the van with more precision than a Shuttle launch.
- Another robot to pick up things lost on the floor.
- A “cone of silence” around Mom and Dad to prevent overload. Mom can flip a switch to isolate herself from Dad (and vice versa) if necessary.
- Binford 6000 Stereo system. It’s not loud, but it won’t let your favorite station fade as you pass from town to town across our great country. Ever.
- 100 MPG.
- Zero to sixty in five point three seconds. Radar detector.
- Self-cleaning (inside and out).
- Stroller storage (for those of us that need it) that doesn’t interfere with luggage, toy, food, or pack-n-play storage. In other words, you don’t have to repack the back of the van everytime you want to get something in or out.
- Temperature Zone control, where each occupant (especially mom) can be kept comfortable.
- Flashing light on top. If you lose the van at the mall, press a button and a bubble-gum light goes off on the top. Or a siren. Kids love this.
Okay, what am I forgetting?