Just in case you were wondering why the automaker bailout talks seem to be taking so long, have you ever been able to deal with automakers quickly?
I imagine it’s going like this:
Automakers (A): So, how can we make a sale today?
Congress (C): Oh, we’re really just looking. Not interested today.
A: Are you sure? We’ve got the new models in. We’ll make you a deal! This one goes Zero to Bankrupt in 60 days. Over hear we have a new Canyonero Hybrid, it gets half a MPG more than a standard Canyonero, with half the cargo room and only twice the cost!
C: Mmm, OK. That one looks shiny. How much?
A: Well, how much are you looking to spend?
C: No, I asked you how much.
A: We’ll get to that. Our finance department will surely get you the payments you are looking for. Would you like to upgrade to leather seats?
C: No, er, wait. Is a sunroof an option?
A: If you get the stereo upgrade and SuperChrome lugnuts. (whispering) And I know Doris in the parts department, we’ll even throw in a free undercoat, as long as you get pinstripes. Just don’t tell anyone you’re getting this sweet deal, I’d go out of business if I did this for everybody.
C: Okay, wow, this is gonna be great! How much is it again?
A: (fiddling with adding machine) Looks like after tax and title and our ‘documentation fee’, it’ll be $100 billion.
C: Whoa, that’s a lot more than I wanted to spend. How much was that documentation fee?
A: (Ignoring the question). Tell you what, we can work this out with some payments. (more Adding Machine Fu) How about $30 billion down, then $2 billion a month for 48 months.
C: That’s a little better, but still kinda steep.
A: What if we throw in the Platinum Extended Drivetrain Warranty for half price?
C: Now we’re talking. What does it cover?
A: Pretty much nothing, unless something breaks while driving on the moon on a Sunday during Lent, but it’s half price. What a deal!
C: Not sure… I’m gonna have to think about it for a couple days. You know, maybe we can just keep our old one for a bit longer… (starts to get up)
(ring ring)
A: Hang on, that was my manager on the phone and he wanted to talk to you before you left.
Manager (M): Now, we aren’t going anywhere until we see Madame Speaker from California smile. What do we need to do to close this deal tonite? How about a key fob?
C: No, (it’s hardball time) – we need two key fobs. And a free oil change.
M: I think we have ourselves a deal! (shakes hands)
C: Oooh, shiny!
A: (cackles with glee)
Taxpayers: Why does my bum hurt all of a sudden?
