Which is only fitting, I suppose. I suck at things; that apparently is my magic power. LOL. Everybody should have a magic power, I think. I promise to try and use my power for good. At least from now on.

This post has been lurking in the draft folder for a while, it’s some random bits. One thing I do not suck at is being random. (I prefer bacon bits to random bits but you gotta work with what you have).

I’m watching my kids grow up, and wondering how to guide them through the oh-so-interesting teen years. I’m not exactly a shining role model any longer. Not that I was ever really that shiny, but surely now the bloom is off the rose. (Let’s see how many other folksy sayings I can work into the blog post, jeez). How do I talk to them about relationships, for example. Yeah, it’s too soon, but as I said this is random, and it’s something that crosses my mind. I’ve got one kid already wanting to go on “dates,” another that knows the lingo but isn’t very understanding of what it means. One shows no interest in front of me but clearly has questions. Ugh. How on earth do I advise them? My own heart, if not black, is certainly darkened – the past few years have taken a toll. I see now how things really are, and how naive I was about how the world worked. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. I certainly hope my kids avoid some of the shit I’ve been stepping in; it’s still a ways down the road but now is when the foundations are being set. I certainly won’t be the one to tell them about prince charming or happily ever after. Be careful. Be very careful.

The new school year is off to a roaring start. About as good as last year was, I guess. (and by “good” I mean “let’s try and keep the police out of it a bit longer. Please”). I’m ready for fall temperatures and maybe some rain instead of 95 and dry.

As for me, I’m still reading all I can, trying to come to grips with various demons and the guilt that is riding on their coattails. I guess I’m getting somewhere, but I really think I’m just boxing things up and putting it on a shelf instead of truly processing. I can only do so much at a time. And time is a key. Time wounds all heels. I think that’s how it goes. I was reading a very interesting post about forgiveness (the F word), and another about how stepping back to see the big picture isn’t giving up. In my case I think stepping back is more just being realistic. Forget the bullshit that I filled my head with, what I have to deal with is reality. Reality meaning what I can touch. If I’ve learned anything it is that given half a chance I will sort of fill in the blanks with what I want to be, instead of questioning why there are blanks to be filled in the first place. Vague much? Yeah, because otherwise I will say (type) things I may regret saying out loud. Fuck, I felt my blood pressure shoot up typing that. WTF?

Moving on. Because I have to. Breathe.

I’m still feeling very broken, so all the musing and reflecting and other BS is mere damage control at this point. No sunshine, but maybe things are a lighter shade of grey. I have some good friends that keep me pretty well grounded, that help me see through the fog. As I’ve repeated previously (are you as sick of it as I am?), there is no fixing this. That ship has sailed. I’ve made my choices and get to live with what happens. Go me.

So now I’m focusing on giving. On finding compassion, which is also where I feel the truth can be found. On unconditional love for people in my life, which is why my occasional “woe is me” feeling really bothers me. I have a family to think about. I’m making the best of the shitty deal I’ve created. Forget everything I thought I knew about myself, my marriage, and my life. Poof. Just like that it is gone. Now it is time to move forward and create something new. This is where I need to spend my energy, not on bullshit that is over and done with (and that I can do nothing about, in any case).

Heh, with a little self-control I won’t ever actually hit publish on this one, it should probably be buried.