bullshit

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middle of the week

I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling compelled to write more here. I don’t want to over-think it, it isn’t any great calling or anything like that. I just feel like sharing. And then I click on “add new post” and stare at the blank screen and totally forget whatever it was I came to write in the first place. Aren’t I great?

Here’s what I’m thinking about at the moment: Positive and negative energy. Some things fill me with positive energy, others seem very negative, sapping me of my energy and willpower. Of course some things are “good for you” and you would think they would give energy – getting a good night’s sleep, for example, eating right, exercising. And they do work. But what about the negative?

It is amazing, now that I’m paying attention, how much online drama just saps my energy. It isn’t even anything important! (Usually). Just reading something can make me laugh or set my blood boiling or somewhere in between.

Here’s an example: There is a local forum here that talks about, strangely enough, local things. The weather, schools, traffic, places to shop. On purpose I have never created an account on this forum, because I know it would become a huge time and energy suck for me to engage here, because (surprise) most of the time I think the people posting are wrong. Heh.

Some days it is really tempting. Right now there is an ongoing argument about whether a new restaurant charges too much. I told you this stuff isn’t important. One person after another has supported their position, giving examples. I sometimes picture the Peanuts characters waving their arms around, their mouths wide while shouting “BUT I LIKE THIS ONE BETTER, HERE IS A SCREEN SHOT OF THEIR MENU” or something. “For that price, I’ll just go eat at XX.” “But the quality…” etc.

Ha. Greater minds than mine have pointed out – investing energy in this type of exchange means there is less energy for other things. Getting worked up about bullshit will not benefit me in the slightest. And even if I could post the most absolutely convincing bit of information supporting my point of view, someone would still regard it as “wrong” (the same way I regard them as wrong) and they would post a rebuttal and it would just continue the cycle.

As the Dalai Lama says (I had to work him in here somehow, LOL), sometimes you just need to forget it and move on. Paraphrasing, of course. He would totally be on my side about the restaurant, I’m certain. So no, I won’t be joining the forum, and I’m actively trying to limit my time reading the other posts, since all it can do is make me weary.

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Spinning

warning: possible navel-gazing craziness. Read this with a big grain of salt.

Overall I’m feeling much stronger than I have in a long time. I’ve sorted out a bunch of things for myself, through a lot of reflection and talking with friends. I know what I want, now I’m trying to overcome various obstacles. How do I keep from getting mired down in the negative bullshit that has ruled my heart and life for so many years?

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I’ve been spending a lot of time with my family in the last week or so. It feels great. Not without issues, but so far they have been minor. I’ve learned my daughter really loves board games and my son is really really competitive at the same P

The first roadblock that is looming (and a big one, heh) is that I have about two weeks to renew or cancel my lease. This idea is a minefield, I’m afraid to make a wrong step. I’ve been happy with my apartment complex, but have to decide if I should try and relocate to somewhere cheaper. Cheaper probably means tougher neighborhood, smaller older place, farther commute to work, much further from my kids. Where I live now is not luxurious, by any means, but because of the location they charge a premium. So I need to figure out my options and make a decision. My actual lease isn’t up until June but I’m required to give notice if I’m leaving. Sigh.

Another, and smaller obstacle: I’ve definitely slipped a bit on the diet and exercise front, eating too much of the foods that I know I should not have. It’s time to redouble my efforts and make sure I don’t slip back into old habits. Recently I’ve done much better on the exercise front, so my nutrition will need to fall in line.

I don’t know how many of my thoughts to put here, not sure this is the place to share all of them and not sure I can make them coherent enough for an “audience.” Never fear, I’m doing pretty well, just gotta figure out this next step, because that will set up how the next year of my life goes. And when you are taking things one day at at time a year seems pretty fucking long.

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One of those strange things that occurred to me recently is how much I fucking love Scott Pilgrim. This came to me while I was running the other morning.

(I need to warn you here that some of what I write may spoil the movie for you. So if you haven’t, go watch it, then come back)

Because Scott is on a journey, too. He thought he knew what he wanted, he went through the motions, he started feeling like a victim or pawn. He got pissed off about how things were going. He struggled to get a handle on things, and in spite of all that he has gone through, ends up losing Ramona to Gideon.

So a desolate landscape evocative of a “Game Over” screen signifies the lowest point of the story, where Scott is at his weakest and most vulnerable. An Extra Life signifies a resurgence of willpower, and a Sword signifies the driving emotional force. These symbols come together to form a cohesive narrative: weakness, debilitation, doubt, followed by deep introspection, followed by a sudden realization, followed by a resurgence of will, followed by a triumphant return.

Scott felt defeated, down. Lost.

And then, in his darkest hour, he got back up.

In the end, Scott learns a lot about himself and his world, and he ends up doing something about it. He not only earns the power of love, he earns the power of self-respect. The fact that ‘earning’ something in his video game-ish world is a great metaphor for truly learning it in life is part of why I love this movie.

And I thought I was just making up bullshit but then I saw this cool article and it covers the exact same thing. That’s where I grabbed the quote in the box to the right.

Around two or three months ago, around Thanksgiving and Christmas, I don’t know I could have felt much worse. It seemed like rock bottom, I saw my version of the “Game Over” screen. It was a very dark and lonely time. No, I didn’t get an extra life symbol, and didn’t acquire a flaming sword (that would have been really cool, though). I learned that good friends are hard to find. I figured out which friends I could ultimately lean on and was very surprised. It wasn’t like I expected, but I did finally (to keep with my bad analogy) ‘level up.’

That’s behind me, now. I still have challenges, I still need to defeat my NegaScott. I’m looking ahead and hoping to level up again. Maybe it’s nearing the time for my triumphant return.

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My son was watching the NFL Network and they had one of their little revisionist shows on, talking about how great this team or that team was. Of course I know they are condensing an awful lot into a paragraph for the sake of time, but this really pissed me off.

“Tom Landry retired, he was the only coach the Dallas Cowboys ever had. Shortly afterward, team owner Jerry Jones hired his old college friend Jimmy Johnson as head coach.”

Ahem. No. Bullshit.

Tom Landry was let go after Jimmy was hired, he found out about it from a couple of reporters. Jerry didn’t even have the balls to call and tell him hisownself.

There’s not much worse than the NFL network flat out lying to make a program a little more palatable. They don’t have any more balls than Jones, apparently.

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