More musings from deep within. Beware the belly gazing.

This post stems from a train of thought I have been following for a while. I’m trying to make sense of some things and get myself to focus my energy positively.

A huge area for me to improve is how I see myself. For far too long I have looked outward and judged myself on how others view me, on what they say to me or about me when I’m not around.

(LOL – Self Esteem by The Offspring just came on the radio. I’m not making this up -Editor)

If you have been reading my stuff for a while, you know I’ve struggled now and then with depression, or anger and frustration at things. Right. I’ve shared these things on my blog for whatever reason, mostly because it helps me sort through my thoughts to write them out, and also because I like feedback sometimes.

A while ago, coming up on two years I guess, a very old friend of mine found me on the ol’ internet. It’s always fun to find old friends, and this was no exception. What happened soon after was an exception, I think, our relationship went from catching up on each other and what had happened over the years to quickly becoming teasing and flirting and more. Saying “it was fucked up” is doing a disservice to things that are fucked up.

I’m not blaming my friend for what followed, I don’t know what she wanted but I’m sure it wasn’t what ended up happening – I absolutely shattered my world, my marriage, my family, having an emotional affair with what was really just a figment of my imagination. I wanted so badly to feel wanted and desired that I was willing to believe anything that was said – and a lot was said. Lies on top of other lies, an elaborate fantasy world that would never stand up to scrutiny. I finally somehow came to my senses, it was sort of like standing in a pitch dark kitchen and suddenly the lights come on. Wow. In hindsight I can see how badly (stupidly, foolishly) I fell for simple or not-so-simple deceptions.

You know how you can play fetch with your dog and once in a while pretend to throw the ball and he’ll run all over trying to find it? That was me. The dog, not the person with the ball. Only I kept falling for it over and over. And over. It is no consolation when people tell me “this sort of thing happens a lot.” I’m smarter than this. Or I thought I was. I never saw her, there wasn’t really any chance of that happening (I realized later she clearly wanted just emails, not a physical relationship). But I didn’t wise up, I didn’t walk away, I didn’t realize how messed up I was, I rationalized a ton of bullshit along the way.

Bitter much? Yeah, I was. Probably still am. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. (that’s Johnny Nash, to save you the trouble of googling). Several months ago I made the decision to remove this friend from my life. There was, is no other way, our relationship became a cancer that was destroying my soul.

Right now the main thing I want in a relationship is honesty and openness. I want this more than anything else. I have been dishonest and evasive, and now I realize just how hurtful this is to everyone involved. I am ashamed of what I have done, of things I have said. That’s an understatement. It is hard for me to face family and friends – they have been wonderfully supportive all along, but it is painful to look at them, knowing the damage I have done.

I’m trying to live as an example, and deal honestly and fairly with others. My purpose on this planet, other than to serve as a warning to others (ha), is to love my wife and kids, and provide for them the best I can. I don’t know that my marriage will ever recover, but that won’t stop me from loving and caring for my wife. Love isn’t enough. I’m done giving a shit about how other people look at me, what they think about me, whether they think I’m “special” or “hot” or any other bullshit – none of that matters. I am going to be very mistrustful when someone is nice to me, because now I see how badly I was used for little games. As far as I’m concerned – everybody lies. I can only worry about me.

(LMAO – “Let it Be” just came on the radio. Hit publish, motherfucker, and go get some lunch – Ed.)