It is difficult for me to walk into a situation and not have a good idea of what may happen. It’s a very deep seated need of mine to be able to manage my feelings, and to do that I try (usually unconsciously) to manage other things around me, so as to reach an acceptable outcome.

I’m trying to think of a small example of what I’m trying to say but drawing a blank. My mind is always trying to figure out “what next” and it is usually wrong, ha.

Last night I wrote about a couple of big obstacles that I’m dealing with. That is the way I see things sometimes, as puzzles, obstacles, challenges. It gets in the way of just enjoying things, enjoying life. I can’t just relax.

This will be tested over the next couple of days, as our family takes a trip to the beach. It’s spring break for at least half the state, so it could be crowded. Things with my family are tentative, but I’m hopeful. I will probably eat too much. See? There I am again, looking at things that could go wrong or be unpleasant. I need to shift that whole train of thought:

We’re going to the beach for a couple days, and it’s gonna be fun. Dammit.

So much better.

and now Doctor Ambien is sending me to bed before I really fuck things up.