“A lot of trouble in the Middle East right now between Lebanon and Israel. … Last night Israel bombed the runways at Beirut’s airport, putting a stop on all flights in and out. So I’m sorry everybody, you’re just gonna have to cancel that relaxing weekend getaway to Beirut.” –Conan O’Brien

“Of course, world leaders are getting involved in the crisis right now. Earlier today Germany’s chancellor called for the attacks on Israel to stop. After hearing about it, a spokesperson for Israel said, ‘You know things are bad when Germany’s got your back’.” -Conan O’Brien

“At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a ‘de-escalation of Mid-East violence.’ Later, Bush called for both sides to ‘de-angrify’ and ‘de-hurt’ each other.” -Conan O’Brien

“It’s been a very busy and somewhat disturbing day throughout the world. President Bush was overseas in Germany as events unfolded. Here is his press conference with Chancellor Angela Merkel in Germany where he wasted no time addressing the many troubling developments [on screen: Bush saying, ‘I’m looking forward to the feast you’re going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig’]. He may have the honor of slicing the pig? I’m just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis” –Jon Stewart