I’ll admit it. Today I’ve got creak in the knees.
I went for a walk last night. I figure if the lovely and talented Mir can get off her couch (she has a better cause than me, though, I’m just fat) – then I can do it, too.
Walking is easy, it’s fun, it’s inexpensive. It’s like sex only you don’t have to wash the sheets after. And you can take your friends with you!
My friends — well, I don’t have any. So I took my dogs. I was going to call them Mutt and Jeff but I’m afraid of what Google will do to me so instead I’ll give them too other made up names: Billy and Sammy.
Most humans, when taking their dogs for a walk, have it fairly easy: you attach a leash (unless you are a super-human that has a dog not readily willing to run into the wheels of passing cars), you go outside, and you walk. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?
I happen to have a couple of neurotic dogs. Billy has a little bit of stress in her life, apparently, because at the sound of a twig snapping she will leap two feet in the air and three feet sideways. Unless she’s asleep (nothing can move this dog when she’s asleep short of actual gunfire). Sammy, on the other hand, is a big galoot that loves. That’s it, she just loves. Everything. She wants to be next to me (touching me, if possible) anytime I’m in the house. When we walk, she wants to experience nature in all it’s glory (roughly translated as “willing to roll in manure”).
Our first obstacle is the actual leashing process. I have learned that without a leash my dogs don’t really need me to go walking with them, they will spastically run in different directions and in circles for an hour or more before wandering home hoping for a bite to eat. So we wear a leash. But the dogs are so. excited. about. going. on. a. walk that they can’t sit still. So I actually burn a couple hundred calories just getting a leash attached somehow to their bods. Then we head for the door (do NOT get between our dogs and the door after the leash is installed. Consider this fair warning, in case you ever visit, and management is not responsible for any loss of limb that may occur).
Finally, outside! Breath the fresh air! Let’s go, dogs, go!
*screeeeeeech*
That is the whole parade coming to a halt about four steps out the door, since we haven’t been outside since yesterday and we Must Roll in the Grass and Grunt. Both dogs do this, but I think Billy learned it from Sammy, but what do I know?
Okay. The rolling is done. We can walk down the driveway now!
We make it two houses down the street before Sammy is straining to smell – a mailbox! OMG you wouldn’t believe how wonderful it is to see a mailbox! Here, by the street! And we walk a bit more and – ANOTHER mailbox! Well, you get the idea.
We somehow get down the street, and turn the corner, on the sidewalk of a slightly busier street. This is where the fun starts. Did I mention Billy is a little nervous? Loud noises can set her off? Did I also mention she is on a leash?
Can you see where this is headed?
Somehow, the Doggie Code decrees that Sammy gets to walk on the right, and Billy on the left. This is because, I think, Sammy likes to smell the grass which is on the right hand side (we are walking down the right side of the street, since there is only one sidewalk). Sammy weighs almost 100 pounds more than Billy (hence the Mutt and Jeff idea) so whatever she wants, she gets. This leaves Billy walking right next to the curb, and right next to the Cars. Yes, friends and neighbors, some people have the nerve to drive cars right next to where we are walking!
Dang, I forgot, here’s a visual reference for size and all that:
So when a car comes, Billy looks over her shoulder and does a little dance that involves wrapping her leash around my legs three or four times. At that same instant Sammy will become engrossed in a dandelion or piece of dog shit or gum wrapper and just stop. Since pulling her is almost as easy as uprooting a tree, well, I get to experience this simultaneous dislocated shoulder on one side while my feet are tangled. Made worse if I actually touch Billy, wherupon she spins around and jumps and tangles the other way. Then Sammy finishes with her dog poop and lurches ahead to get to the NEXT flower (or Mailbox! those are worth double points). Meanwhile another car passes and Billy flips out, again.
This happens about 4,308 times during our two mile walk. It’s no wonder I’m tired when I get home. Can’t wait to go again tonite.