So, first off – thank you everyone for your warm thoughts on my last post (which may spontaneously combust at any time, btw). Please do NOT be concerned for me, this post has actually rattled around my brain for months as the driving thing used to happen a lot. Now? Not so much. For the record I have a great support network here, so in spite of my marriage apparently falling to pieces and my kids hating me I’m doing pretty darn good.

Anyway, that’s not what we’re gonna talk about. We’re gonna talk about Dick Clark and his New Years “rockin” Eve show. I haven’t actually had a life in, well, years so I’ve had plenty of chances to watch this show. Plus we cheat a little – when he drops the ball, it’s 11:00 our time, so we call it a new years and go to bed. It’s like rolling the clocks forward one extra night of the year! Bonus!

Some things you can count on:
Dick
Now, you would think this would be obvious, but last year he wasn’t there and it was painfully obvious. The wannabees are doing a pretty good job of being perky while wearing a radio headset the size of a housecat on their heads, but let’s face it – about the only competition in the “perky” and “remarkably preserved” categories that Dick faces is Katie she-who-must-not-be-named.

Entertainers
They always have “live” entertainers. This year I caught the wonderfully self-groping Mariah Carey and her fabulous girls. Did you know she was from New York? She is. Everyone who performs is. And, they all now live in Hollywood.

Wacky people on the street
They said that 85% of the people making idiots of themselves by “partying” on TV are not from New York. Partying, apparently, means standing for eight or ten hours in your assigned square on the street and then screaming madly for fifteen minutes before the ball drops.

Video from Disnelyand
Gotta work this in somehow. Yes, the fabulous celebration of New York City just wouldn’t be complete without video from California and Florida. I guess they wanna show where all the actual New Yorkers went for NYE.

‘You just have to be here to feel this!’
The show has become much more like a Travel Channel infomercial in recent years. (maybe it’s working?) If I wanna go be in a crowd of screaming people, I’ll just go stand in line for an XBox360, thank you very much. The fact that they repeat this so emphatically always makes me wonder if it’s true. If it’s so fantastic, how bout we don’t show it on TV, so people have to go and see it for themselves? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

“Just a few minutes to go!”
They say this about a hundred times in the last thirty minutes. And often they cut to a commercial. Many years I would just tune in at three minutes to twelve (and therefore only have to sit through four commercials before seeing the ball drop) but now I have Tivo. I can watch the entire evening of festivities in eight minutes. Including Mariah’s gropage (that’s what slow motion is for. Rowr.)

They always count down the last thirty seconds.
After graduating second grade math, this got old. Count the last ten. Fifteen if you’re feeling plucky. What good does “28 seconds to midnite” do anyone?

Extra security
They always show and talk to the bored police officers on duty. This feature has been “enhanced” since 9/11, of course.

After the ball
On Saturday, while the crazy out-of-towners were still screaming a drunken rendition of “New York, New York” (how original is that! At least Mariah didn’t sing along. Grope.) the perky Dick wannabees were already saying “This crowd is not leaving! They aren’t going anywhere!” Okay, pal. Take a deep breath, it’ll be okay. Let them sing a song and mug for the camera before we dispatch the Broom Squad to clear Times Square, m’kay?

I hope all of y’all actually went and did something on NYE instead of being pathetic like me and watching Dick and actually jotting down notes for this pathetic excuse of a blog post…