Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

---

“Do I look Fat” responses:

“Not to Stevie Wonder.”

“Big time! That’s why I’m sleeping with your best friend.”

“No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!”

“I guess there’s not much point in asking if you mean fat with an ‘f’ or phat with a ‘ph.'”

“No hablo ingles.”

“Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out.”

“No, but taking it *off* sure does.”

“Okay, listen: What’s important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make.”

“Not if you were travelling at the speed of light.”

“Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity.”

“Let me jog around to your front and take a look.”

“Whoa! A talking couch!!”

“May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?”