Hi there. Ben has asked me to inject a bit of the female point of view here to balance out the recent rash of beer jokes. And it just so happens that I have a wee bee in my bonnet, so the timing couldn’t be better. Yes, I know; ME with an ISSUE, it’s positively… SHOCKING. Shaddup.
Here’s the thing. Men? Single men? Are you listening? I love you, I really do. I adore men. They’re so… manly… and good with tools. And of course there’s that whole penis thing. I am a big fan of the penis. Provided it is IN THE PANTS and not BETWEEN THE EARS. Are you following me? No? Let me see if I can spell it out for you, then.
We women… well… we understand that we are enigmas to you. That’s the way we like it, generally. But every now and then we need to unravel the mystery a bit so as to educate your sorry selves. And this, my dears, is one of those times.
Let’s talk about online dating, shall we? Yes? Excellent.
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Let’s start with the photo. Gentlemen, there are only two excuses to post a picture of yourself with glowing red eyes:
1) You are too stupid to use Photoshop or a similar, handy, photo correction software package.
2) You cannot hide the forces of evil which burn within you.In the case of (1), you are far too lazy/moronic of a buttmunch for me to consider, and in the case of (2), um, no thanks.
But looks aren’t everything. In fact, to most women, they’re very little compared to who you are on the inside. Granted, most of you are a smelly hairball of testosterone lounging in front of the TV, on the inside, but it’s wise to learn to conceal this for a bit. This may take practice. And assistance. And for some of you, electro-convulsive therapy. There’s no shame in accepting help, you know.
So. Now you’re writing your description. This is what’s going to lure women into your trap, you know. What do you say? How do you entice her? A few handy tips:
1) Proofread. It doesn’t take long. Typos and wonky grammar are the enemy.
2) Leave out crap like “I’m quiet, yet talkative.” This tells me you’re full of shit, or completely unaware of yourself, or (most likely) both.
3) If you say nothing about your relationship past? KISS OF DEATH. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. May as well stamp “IN DENIAL” on your forehead, buddy.
4) Refuse to answer the “best feature” question but happily fill in your salary range? Dead giveaways to insecurity. Try it the other ‘way around next time.
5) Try to pretend you have a clue. Don’t fill in that you don’t want children, and then later say you want 2 kids and you’re definitely willing to adopt. Idiot.
6) If you simply must share the pseudo-profundity of “Relationships out here in the real world have ups and downs, and require a lot of work and dedication to make them last,” don’t forget to follow up with, “Of course, I am completely unwilling to actually DO that sort of work, which is why I’m HERE, but aren’t you impressed by my observational skills??”
By simply taking a bit of time and pride in yourself, common blunders can be avoided. Better yet: skip the online dating thing altogether. If that’s what you’ve sunken to, consider it a Darwinian favor to the rest of us to just remove yourself from the pool, okay? As it is, any woman with a brain can spot how repressed and desperate you are from several thousand miles away.
I hope that this sheds some light on this matter for some of you. I know that I, for one, am feeling MUCH better now.
