You would think, after coping with depression for 35 years or more, I would understand my own illness and symptoms better.  Notice I didn’t say “dealing with” because it’s rare that I actually actively deal with the disease, I generally just put up with it because the alternative involves gunfire.

In any case, for some reason it occurred to me that this is an awfully long time to go without even making headway, so I think I’m going to try and read a book or watch a youtube video about it and ‘better myself.’

LMAO.

Yeah, don’t hold your breath.

Seriously, though, I’m keeping notes on triggers and defense mechanisms and lots of other psychobabble crap in the hopes that maybe I can puzzle together a better plan to muddle through this mess. Living in a dark place just makes me a bitter asshole of a person (instead of a happy asshole) and that isn’t exactly making things smooth for anyone in my path.

Some things are sure to make me mad – and mad is okay.  Stupid drivers, for example, just piss me off.  I am practicing a sort of zen approach to driving lately and it has really helped, as long as they don’t try to kill me I can let most everything else slide.  That’s progress.  Letting go of many attachments is a lot harder, and will be an ongoing struggle for me.  Wondering “what might have been,” seems to be ingrained in me somehow (how do people just not give a fuck?  THAT is what I need.  I need to be able to mean it when I say I don’t fucking care anymore.)  I have a perfectionist stuck inside me, too, which is dumb because I’m as far from perfect about anything I say or do as I can be.  So if I’ve never done anything right, why does it bother me when I mess up a new thing?

My mantra of “it can’t get much worse” seems to be just a challenge to the universe to just go right ahead and make it worse.  So maybe I should stop thinking that, too.

Yeah, well, this is fun and all, but I think I’ve spent my allotted time wallowing for today so I need to get back to denial and pretending.  See y’all around.