She wins the internet today, this week, and probably this month:

all the pages worth masturbating to in “fifty shades of grey.”

Here is but a snippet:

page 137 “‘anastasia, i’m going to come in your mouth,’ his breathy tone is warning. ‘if you don’t want me to, stop now.’ he thrusts his hips again, his eyes are wide, wary, and filled with salacious need.” what a goddamned gentleman. nothing sexier. nothing is worse than some silent film star who doesn’t let you know that he’s about to ruin your afternoon by surprising you with a mouthful of briny dick snot. it’s like when you’re trying to swallow an unexpectedly bitter pill (prednisone especially, BARF) and that shit is on your tongue for half a second too long while you try to get your water or juice or whatever together and you start gagging because you weren’t ready for it to taste so bad and now that nasty shit is in your tastebud memory for the rest of the goddamned day. i would never fart in your mouth without at least attempting to bat your head out of the way, why not do me a solid in return, homie?

okay, here’s some more, but the best is really at the link:

page 311 “christian is sitting on the living room couch reading the sunday papers.” fuck, i love a dude who reads the newspaper. there is nothing hotter than that for real, especially if his lips don’t move while he’s reading.

page 375 “she likes pancakes, bacon, and eggs.” now this is some goddamned romance. i hate remembering what i like to eat for breakfast.

You know you wanna read what she has to say. Best book review I’ve seen in ages.