I used to write here. Stories. Some made up, some true. I used to write more about my days and night and dreams and fears. This was before twitter and Facebook siphoned off some of my energy, I guess. But there’s more to it.

I’ve changed. The old cynical me was right about so many things and just didn’t know it. The hopeful me has been beaten back into hiding, but still likes to peek out now and again. I stopped writing for a long time because every time I sat at the keyboard I just saw red. My head and heart were blackened and all I had to share was spiteful nasty things.

Has that changed? Not really. I have some seeds of hope – always have, I guess – that maybe there is still some good in the world. In MY world. Seeds are tiny but powerful, able to overcome great obstacles to sprout and grow. I guess time will tell what happens to me. For now, though, I still see constant reminders of all the things that caused me to pull back into my shell. I’ve sort of managed the negatives. I’ve gotten much better at just shutting up. You should see my ‘drafts’ folder. My google drive. FULL of stuff that would make Stephen King smile. That’s okay, it does me well to put it ‘on paper’ as I’ve said before. I write for me (who else is there?) and work through the demons as best I can and then try to let go of the crap that weighs me down so I can stumble ahead into the fog. One of my favorite phrases lately – you don’t have to put it all on the internet, save something for therapy. LOL, like I go to therapy, but I get the idea.

A friend posted this today:

I’ve had this blog nine years. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t consider just deleting it and walking away. But if I did that, where would I post music videos and funny pictures? I guess the cool kids to that over at tumblr or something; maybe that’s what I should do, too. It seems funny to maintain a domain just to share things I find on youtube. Maybe even silly. (heh). It’s been two years at least since I’ve really written the way I used to, the way I planned way back when. Things have been so upside down in my life that I don’t really remember what it was like to keep up with everything.

Speaking of silly: the delete key on my laptop is messed up. Seriously. I have to go past what i want to delete and then hit backspace. It’s a wonder I can sleep at night with such pressing problems.

“Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”