Just a few things I’ve learned so far this weekend (and blatantly lifted from here so I don’t actually have to type them):

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn’t submitted them to the site because he doesn’t believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she’ll introduce you to your biological father.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”