But I guess they’ve found one.

An alert reader sent in this article about people that are now using software to find backward lyrics in music. Back when we had these things called “turntables” it was easier to play a record backward (it was also a lot easier to fuck up a $100 needle – don’t ask how I know this. Still sorry, Dad.) but CD players – not so much.

Remember that? From back in the stone age? “Turn me on, dead man.” (Beatles, Revolution #9) “Oh, here’s to my sweet Satan.” (Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven)

Um, yeah. Right. where was I?

I like this one:

What sounds like mumbling in Pink Floyd’s “Empty Spaces,” Milner says, becomes more intelligible in reverse: “Congratulations, you have just discovered the secret message.”

I think I remember reading that they did that on purpose. Because people were spending WAY too much time looking for secret messages in music. But with Floyd, they probably DO backward masking (as it is called) just because they can. They’re the Floyd. Don’t fuck with the Floyd. (Have you ever watched Wizard of Oz while listening to the Dark Side of the Moon? You have to sync them first, but then – whoah, dude, pass the munchies)

Personally, I love music – lots of music. And I love listening to it (forward, like it’s supposed to go). I’ll admit that when I was a kid I once put on an Eagles record at 45 that was supposed to be at 33. Big whoop. (but 78? That was far out). I once played the Green Hornet (a 45) at 33. Took way too long to listen to it that way. I was so radical I once called a radio station to request “Convoy” (but not backward). If I did that now, the NSA guys would be at my door before I could hang up the phone.

(If you don’t know what I’m talking about with all these numbers, go ask your mom. Or grandma, if your mom can’t remember either.)

Anyway, I don’t really have a point. Not a good one, anyway. But think of this: so what if there is a one line message recorded backward in a song? What good does that do? One line isn’t enough information to order lunch, let alone change your mental state enough to cause you to worship Satan or do drugs or run up your credit cards. Puleeze.

Finally, there’s a wonderful song, by Todd Snider, that addresses the root issue of this, and that is that there will always be some people that are trying to control other people by putting down what they are listening to.

So with that, I give you: the Ballad of the Kingsmen, (here’s a preview from Sharkbitten.com) from Todd Snider’s ‘East Nashville Skyline.’ And I double-dog dare you to buy the record and listen to it backward.

The Kingsmen came together in a garage,
They could hardly even play
But they practiced night And day
pretty soon they got to where they could really play that song Louie, Louie
So, they saved up all the money from the shows,
Went in to one of them studios and gave their version of the song a try

Now, I don’t know the words to that song Louie, Louie and I’m pretty sure the singer for the Kingsmen didn’t know ‘em either,
If he did know ‘em he didn’t get ‘em right on the record
Cause on the record they sound jumbled in his jaw?
It says, Me think of me girl oh so constantly
Ahmayaaah makaaaah aahh ooohoooh aaaaah
Well, that last part scared everybody from the PTA to the FBI
You see, the kids had been going kind of crazy lately And it seemed like nobody could figure out why,
So they decided to form a coalition,
Launch an investigation, you know for the children, they at least had to try
To figure out the words to Louie, Louie

Chorus:
It’s the feel good hit of this endless summer
It gets these kids out of control
Singin’ along to that star spangled bummer,
Hail, hail rock and roll

Marilyn Manson’s real name isn’t even Marilyn Manson,
He’s a skinny public high school Kid from Florida,
Not some monster from out of this world
and like of a lot other skinny long hair public High school kids
he was sick of getting Beaten up by the pulling guard all week
only to go out on the weekend,
And watch the Quarterback get all the girls so,
He formed a band man
Now’ he gets all the girls,

A few years later a couple of latchkey kids go tragically Mad
and everybody’s standing around the television store at the mall
trying to figure out what went wrong,
This guy says, You think the life of a kid
going to high school could’ve gotten so bad
this other guy says nah,
It’s just the words to one of them goddamn Marilyn Manson songs,
You know the one

It’s the feel good hit of this endless summer
It gets these kids out of control
Singin’ along to that star spangled bummer,
Hail, hail rock and roll

You know, every ten years or so our country and some other little country,
We start firing all of our newest weapons
At each other for some reason or another,
right or wrong, Like it or not, it happens,
and when it happens
People get shot and when people get shot,
They show it on tv a lot
every night at six o clock
And you don’t even have to be eighteen to see it
you don’t even have to be in first grade,
First grade where they teach the kid pride
They tell him he’ll need to thrive,
In a world where only the strong will survive,
So he’s taught the art of more
To compare to and to keep score
Monday thru Friday while he stares at the floor
til’ Sunday they make him go to School once more
only this time they make him wear a suit and a tie
And listen to some guy who claims to know
Where people go when they die
tell him that only the meek are gonna inherit the earth
Well shit, By this time the kid doesn’t know what anything Is worth,

now brothers and sisters I am only one guy
And I don’t even know the words to that song Louie, Louie
but I can tell you right now without batting an eye
That the next time some latchkey kid goes wrong
It aint gonna be cause that Eminem gets to say the word Fag in his song
And I’m not trying to preach to ya either,
I’m just trying to sing to ya too,
you know string a few words together

Hey kids…
Lets get it on,
Lets get it on