“Two new polls show Arnold Schwarzenegger is the most popular Governor of California since 1991, when Governor Hasselhoff ran the state. When your competition is Pete Wilson and Gray Davis, is it really that big a deal to be most popular? It’s like being the smartest Hilton sister.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This election is shaping up great. Our choices are a guy who always has seconds thoughts or a guy who’s never had a first thought.” —Jay Leno

“There is good news tonight for Ahmed Chalabi. It turns out that all along he was providing accurate, truthful, helpful information. Unfortunately, it was to Iran.” —Jon Stewart

“President Bush has been campaigning around the country and today the crowd got so pumped up they started chanting, ‘Four more wars, four more wars.'” —Craig Kilborn

“President Bush is leaving Washington for a long vacation. I’m sorry that’s November’s joke.” —Craig Kilborn