I’m having trouble sleeping lately, too many things on my mind. I thought I was past this point, but somehow I’ve been dragged backward a bit.
Tomorrow, I think, I’m taking my daughter to a water park for the day. It isn’t definite, and others may join us. The weather should be nice enough. So why am I sitting up at nearly midnight, instead of catching up on my beauty sleep?
Hmmph.
Have you ever played Wii Fit Plus and done the circus guy that juggles?
You first have to keep your feet steady and balance on a big rubber ball. Then, people on the side toss you balls to juggle. First one. Then another. And another.
Of course that is just life; constantly juggling things while keeping your feet. Why do I feel like I am somehow more challenged than other people? I have three kids with very strong personalities, all (sometimes literally) screaming for attention. I have limits, mentally, physically, and financially, on how much I can do at any given time. Sometimes it is an easy fix – my daughter woke up this morning and wanted maple sausage. No fucking WAY she was going to be talked out of it, not even when her brothers insisted they would rather die of starvation than have to eat maple fucking sausage. We worked it out to where most everyone was happy.
It seems like I’m looking for pity but I’m not, I’m just venting a bit and in the process realizing that it isn’t that unusual. Families do this, kids especially. Everyone wants to get what they want.
As the song goes, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.
I could have sworn I already used this as a subject line, but if I did I couldn’t find it. Whatever, I’m gonna make you sit through yet another fabulous post on moi.
In one of the remakes of the Parent Trap (I think), the family plays a game of “High/Low” at dinner. This is where each person has to say the best thing and worst thing that has happened to them that day (high and low, of course). I don’t know why but the idea has always stuck with me.
Well, we don’t do that.
But some days I think about the idea, because my life is so fucking full of highs. So many things to be thankful for. I’m amazed every day by my brilliant kids, and how fortunate we are in health and life. I love watching them grow and seeing their personalities evolve and being a small part of it all. I’m happier now than I have been in a long, long time; I realize just how lucky I am.
There are some lows, and the biggest low for me is how badly I butchered that very same family. I miss my marriage. I hate that I now see the questions in my kid’s eyes about us, our family, our future. Everywhere we turn there are reminders about divorce or separation or affairs or whatever. My wife doesn’t question so much now, I think she has made up her mind. Yeah, that’s the hard part, knowing how badly I have hurt my wonderful family, and knowing that I can’t fix it.
I’m smiling lots now. I have a ton to be thankful for. The good things help me to forget the things I cry about when nobody is looking.