Beer makes me fat

No, not part of my diet, but a line from a Pat Green song we heard on the way to school today. You know my kids love their drinking songs, and this one is fun to sing along with…

Every day in lunch in High School and all of my senior year
I’d drink my Coca-Cola with a touch of Everclear.
I never had to study math, science or history.
I’d have a chemical flashback to jog my memory.

In my junior year, I swore I loved sweet Miss Sherri Ann.
One night I put some Everclear, in her Dr Pepper can.
I thought it’d make her easy,
She took it pretty hard.
I took her home and rang her doorbell left her lying in the yard.

-CHORUS-
Tequila dries me out.
And beer just makes me fat.
Whiskey makes me noxious
Now tell me who the hell needs that?
Well if you’re thinking about drinking,
then the answer’s crystal clear.
It’s the invisible intoxicant,
it’s called Everclear.


– sing along! you know you want to ->

I remember my church picnic, in the Spring of ’89.
Yeah they had four fresh watermelons,
sliced right of the vine.
When they bowed their heads, giving grace for the food.
I poured out my bottle and soaked them melons good
Well they never know what hit ’em,
When the potion went to work
They had grandmas doing backflips,
Grandpas lookin’ up their skirts.
They were singin’ hallelujah, and Willie Nelson songs
Preacher said it was the best damn picnic
that the Baptists had ever thrown

-chorus, again-
Tequila dries me out.
And beer just makes me fat.
Whiskey makes me noxious
now tell me who the hell needs that.
Well if you’re thinking about drinking,
then the answer’s crystal clear.
It’s the invisible intoxicant,
it’s called Everclear.

When I’m drinking Everclear,
I think I’m King of this whole world.
I’m bigger and badder than John Wayne
Cooler than Steve Earle.
Until I wake up, and I’m face down in the hall.
Hey I’m completely naked, for a reason I can’t recall.
Well I’m kinda sorta thinking, that maybe I met a chick.
Cause there’s perfume in the air and lipstick on my neck.
Well I hope that she was pretty and I hope that she was kind
Enough to leave my clothes somewhere
They’re easy to find.

-Chorus, if you can still sing-
Tequila dries me out.
And beer just makes me fat.
Whiskey makes me noxious
now tell me who the hell needs that.
Well if you’re thinking about drinking,
then the answer’s crystal clear.
It’s the invisible intoxicant,
it’s called Everclear.



Yeah, I’m gonna be real popular with the first grade teachers this year…

Weekend lights

Some high, some low:

  • After leaving work on Friday I stopped to donate blood. Not because it’s 9/11, but because it has been a while (I’m some variant of Type O so the vampires always call me and beg). Riddle me this: why does it take so long? 90 minutes I was there. Not much fun.
  • On Saturday my 4 yo was invited to a birthday party at a gymnastics place. This party? ROCKED. They ran the kids around on all the apparatus (we stayed off the vault and the rings since, hey, they’re only four, but everything else was fair game, including a cooool trampoline and the “foam pit”) then they caked them and then passed around the presents, all with totally positive interaction from the workers.
  • As an added bonus, I found out they do the same thing on Friday nights. For like $10 you can leave your kid to play for five hours. I am so going to try this – my kids LOVE this stuff.
  • Sat. morning my wife shaved her legs and suggestively said “You might even get to see them.”
  • Didn’t happen.
  • We went to the mall to get me some shorts. Hard to beat $5 for Haggar shorts and Dockers shorts. Thank you JC Penney.
  • At the mall, my son wanted to climb the Rock Wall. And he did. 30 feet straight up. He’s so cool. I kept thinking of the Marines commercial where the guy is climbing straight up the rock wall, only this guy was only 6 and, well, my son.
  • Sunday we had church and a rather interesting adult education class (too much for here, perhaps another post).
  • The Cowboys lost. Again.
  • I did get a mountain of laundry done. How big of a mountain? I started folding when the Cowboys still had a chance to tie it. I finished when Duece Bigalow was half over. That’s how much laundry we had.
  • At 5:00 AM Sunday my dogs cornered a possum. I had to lock them in their crates, but the damage had been done – I found one dead baby possum after the sun came up. Presumably mom and the rest (I could hear many more than just one) escaped after I captured the dogs.

So, I think that’s most of it. Hope y’all had a great weekend!