Why homework wears ME out

Me: Where’s your homework?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Okay… where’s your backpack?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Can we perhaps look for it?
Him: No, “Smallville” is on.
Me: click.
Him: Gosh!
Me: Once again, where’s your backpack?
Him: It’s still in the car.
Me: …
Him: Can I watch “Smallville” now?
Me: No, it’s time to do your homework. Go get your backpack.
Him: But I don’t know where it is!
Me: You just said it was in the car.
Him: Oh, yeah.
Me: Can you maybe go get it now?
Him: Okay.
(minutes pass)
Him: I found my backpack, but the dog got out when I came back inside.
Me: (go get dog)
Me: Okay, how are we doing on homework?
Him: Huh?
Me: Your homework. How are you doing on it?
Him: I can’t find it.
Me: Wasn’t it in your backpack? (dreading answer)
Him: No.
Me: Well, where is it?
Him: I took it out of my backpack. It’s probably still in the car.
Me: (must. control. fist. of. death.)
Him: (realizing his certain peril) I’ll go get it.
(minutes pass, I’m holding the dog by the collar the whole time)
Dog: Gah!
Him: Okay, here it is.
Me: Finally. Let’s read the directions.
Him: Answer the following problems. Color all the “even” answers to complete the puzzle. My teacher said we don’t have to color the answers.
Me: But that’s half the directions! 1) solve 2) color
Him: She said it was optional!
Me: Okay, look, it’s your grade. But if you don’t follow directions and get a bad grade, don’t blame me.
Him: Nice try at a guilt trip, dad.
Him: Hey, can I have some carrots? (jumps up)
Me: Can you start working the problems now?
Him: (munch munch) after I eat my carrots. Can I have some juice?
Me: AFTER you do some homework.
Him: OK. (does problems. Takes three minutes)
Me: Are you going to color the even ones?
Him: No, it’s optional. You never listen to me!
Me: …
Him: Hey, we have crayons! (jumps up)
Him: (colors happily)
Me: great, thanks. Now when is this due?
Him: It’s optional! Sheesh.
Dog: Gah!

Oh, yes, and that was just the first page. I’ll let you imagine the other ten.

Bah!

Call me grumpy if you like. But dammit, it’s just not right that everyone has Christmas stuff everywhere. It’s not even the middle of November yet!

Our grocery store skipped Thanksgiving entirely and now is brimming with Christmas displays. What, are they wanting us to buy our Christmas turkey the first week of November? Should we be baking all those holiday goods while it is still 87 degrees outside?

Lowe’s? Christmas lights, outdoor displays. Sam’s Club? Giant inflatable snow globes (for the yard), toys, holiday furniture (???!) the works.

Maybe next year we can just skip Halloween and put all the Christmas stuff up right after Labor Day! Think we can wait that long?

I won’t even go to the mall. And no, you can’t make me. They mall has nothing that I can’t order on-line or find at one of the two hundred thirty four retail centers that have sprung up all over town. Besides, we spent our Christmas budget on gas (this year, the kids will be getting their old toys that they don’t play with re-wrapped and, if they’re lucky, with new batteries).

Update: my wife’s response (about my rant in general): Honey, you say that every year.