There is a lot of good advice, and some very well meaning people in this world.

If you’ve read more than a post or two from me you probably realize I am frequently depressed. Not unlike Eeyore, it is hard for me to find the good in the world, and I’ve trained myself to instead expect the worst. I don’t say this for pity’s sake but I like to just be clear – I am one fucked up dude.

This blog is a bit of escape for me, a place to play with words and pictures and jokes and try to lighten up, an outlet. It sort of does the job. It can help. There is a concept I only know as “acting as if” where you act how you might behave if something you want were to come to pass, and it helps you get there. Badly explained, so here’s an example: you want to lose weight, but have a long way to go, you start acting as if you have already lost weight, so maybe treat yourself to shopping for clothes or get a haircut as if you were already making progress. Well, it all sounded better in my head. I act as if things are going okay, going well, what have you, instead of dwelling on negatives and problems that I know about and that keep me up at night.

This is how it is in my brain a bunch of the time:

(source)

Talking about my depression (beyond snarky comments here or on twitter or what have you) is pretty much useless at this point, I’m sick of being told to “get over it,” or “snap out of it” so why even open that can of worms? What does help – staying busy. It sometimes helps to read accounts by others about their journey – I’ve linked many of them over the years, hyperbole and a half and the bloggess jump to mind, but there are several. I can hear voices saying “I’ll give you something to cry about,” so I’m trying to keep perspective about just how fortunate I am, how many chances I’ve been given, how patiently friends and loved ones have stood by and wanted good things for me and waited and hoped and all the good stuff that goes with it. There are debts I can never repay, wrongs I can never correct.

Fuck it, I need to stop writing for now and going down this rabbit hole.