Ah, here is one that I’ll be working on for a while. Forever, maybe.

The Big One: Guilt.

The Dalai Lama says this:

So if I’m understanding this right, sitting around saying ‘woe is me’ about something you have done, wringing the hands, crying over spilt milk, etc – not productive at all, keeps you from moving forward and constantly re-hashing what has already happened. What I should be looking to, focusing on, learning about, is genuine remorse.

It has been a craptastic couple of years. Some horrible stuff has happened. I made it happen. I have hurt several people I love immensely, and for that I feel extremely guilty. No, I haven’t moved to “remorse” or anything productive. I have managed to let a little bit go, by thinking there is nothing I can do now that it is over, other than apologize. I’ve tried my best to apologize and take responsibility for my actions. It’s not enough, but it’s all I can personally accomplish. I realize guilt serves little function by itself, it doesn’t change what happened, it doesn’t necessarily keep you from making the same mistake, it doesn’t help the injured party feel better, it basically exists to help you feel like shit because you made a mistake (or more than one). I’m not seeking forgiveness, I’m seeking inner peace. I don’t feel I can be forgiven, I need a way to live with myself.

Also, during the last couple of years, I have had my share of heartache. Some would say I don’t deserve to worry about that (see above paragraph about how I fucked up), but I feel it anyway. In some ways I was like a kid, hoping an exciting new relationship would give me relief from everything I felt was wrong with my life. When this relationship turned out to be nothing more than empty promises, sweet nothings, and lies, well I died a bit. A lot. I struggled a long time with what it all meant, because by even considering it, I wrecked everything that was important to me. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but could be dismantled in moments with a big enough bomb, ya know?

Then, like waking up from a long sleep, I realized what an idiot I had been and for how long it had gone on. Of course, I still hurt the people involved (because I am so very good at hurting people, trust me, I have references). But I lived through pain, too.

How to deal with this? How do I ever move on from such a clusterfuck? (this is but a glimpse, and it’s confusing on purpose, the people I’m involved with haven’t given consent to be included in my stories).

The Dalai Lama says:

“The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience.”

So I have my work cut out for me. Learn more, learn about my emotions and what the fuck happened. Learn to practice tolerance and patience.

Practice. Lots of practice.