love

You are currently browsing articles tagged love.

Waking up is hard to do

April 24, 2012 in Personal by Ben

I couldn’t pick a title for this post. I say this to myself sometimes in the morning (to the tune of Neil Sedaka’s hit) (1962 version). I’ve said it to my kids. It has more than one meaning.

“Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.”

- Dalai Lama XIV

I’ve said before how I feel like I have been asleep, and it’s about time I wake the fuck up. I’ve finally realized some things about myself. Here’s one thing that keeps running through my mind. (I don’t know that I’ll have the balls to hit “publish” but I’ll write it anyway). (And why the fuck do I feel the need to write things down? And then publish them? You should see the stuff I don’t publish. Or perhaps it’s better that you don’t.) (Parenthetically speaking)

I’ve been thinking about love and compassion. I’ve been meditating on what is important in my life, who is important. And certain things have become very clear. I know now that I am in love with my wife. A year ago I wasn’t sure. It hurts to write that but it’s the truth – I was on the fence, feeling a bit like an outsider in my own home. I was too wrapped up in myself to see what I really had. I was full of “I want this” or “I need that.” I was all about me me me all the time. I could write for days but I think that’s plenty.

What an asshole.

This sounds like bullshit when I write it down, but it’s true – I see now that I just want her to be happy, to laugh and smile and be able to sleep at night. All the good things. I want her to achieve her goals and realize her dreams; yes certainly, I want to be the one to help her do these things and to be a big part of her life, but it doesn’t change how I feel if that isn’t in the cards.

It has been liberating to me to realize I feel this way, regardless of how she feels about me. This sounds like a cheesy Hallmark card or something. It’s not because she tells me what I want to hear (she doesn’t tell me much right now, actually), it’s not based on some mental image I have constructed. This isn’t some attempt to make myself feel better because of what a shit I have been. I see this is true after spending most of our lives together. This realization helps put obstacles in perspective, because they ultimately don’t really matter.

I’m no catch, I know this. I’m a pain in the ass, in fact, and anyone who deals with me has to deal with plenty of bullshit. OMG I know she has put up with more than anyone should have to already. I still am too focused on myself many times, or wrapped up in insignificant details and distractions. I know I have lots of work to do.

Fuck, I don’t know how to wrap this up. Look, otters!

And since I seem to love quoting him, here’s one more from the Dalai Lama:

“All suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own happiness or satisfaction”

Finally for the stubborn among you that made it all the way down here, cutest blogger ever.

Tags: ,

patient. not always, I am

April 12, 2012 in Personal by Ben | 1 comment

The subject of this post makes little to no sense, but that’s ok. I was going for a Yoda vibe, which I decided to do when I was halfway done writing it.

Whatever.

true datI’m trying to overcome my own inner assholitude in order to rebuild my life. I want it all and I want it now, but I’m not ready yet. Others aren’t ready yet, either. You can’t force this stuff, it has to happen at it’s own pace.

I posted this picture on FB the other day but it makes me laugh so I thought I’d include it here, too.

What the hell am I going on about?  I don’t know.  I’m motivated to do some things, to talk, to plan, to dream.  It has been a long time since I’ve felt this way, because for a very long time I pushed it all aside and focused on negative things, things that just brought me down or held me back or (insert some sort of negative-sounding action here).  I’m sick of always being negative, of always struggling, of pretending to smile.

Maybe, hopefully, I think, I’m ready to choose joy.   It’s about damn time.

Tags: , ,

a little guilt’s good for you, but this is ridiculous

April 5, 2012 in Mindfulness by Ben

Ah, here is one that I’ll be working on for a while. Forever, maybe.

The Big One: Guilt.

The Dalai Lama says this:

‘Guilt, as experienced in Western culture, is connected with hopelessness and discouragement and is past-oriented. Genuine remorse, however, is a healthy state of mind – it is future-oriented, connected with hope, and causes us to act, to change.’

So if I’m understanding this right, sitting around saying ‘woe is me’ about something you have done, wringing the hands, crying over spilt milk, etc – not productive at all, keeps you from moving forward and constantly re-hashing what has already happened. What I should be looking to, focusing on, learning about, is genuine remorse.

It has been a craptastic couple of years. Some horrible stuff has happened. I made it happen. I have hurt several people I love immensely, and for that I feel extremely guilty. No, I haven’t moved to “remorse” or anything productive. I have managed to let a little bit go, by thinking there is nothing I can do now that it is over, other than apologize. I’ve tried my best to apologize and take responsibility for my actions. It’s not enough, but it’s all I can personally accomplish. I realize guilt serves little function by itself, it doesn’t change what happened, it doesn’t necessarily keep you from making the same mistake, it doesn’t help the injured party feel better, it basically exists to help you feel like shit because you made a mistake (or more than one). I’m not seeking forgiveness, I’m seeking inner peace. I don’t feel I can be forgiven, I need a way to live with myself.

Also, during the last couple of years, I have had my share of heartache. Some would say I don’t deserve to worry about that (see above paragraph about how I fucked up), but I feel it anyway. In some ways I was like a kid, hoping an exciting new relationship would give me relief from everything I felt was wrong with my life. When this relationship turned out to be nothing more than empty promises, sweet nothings, and lies, well I died a bit. A lot. I struggled a long time with what it all meant, because by even considering it, I wrecked everything that was important to me. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but could be dismantled in moments with a big enough bomb, ya know?

Then, like waking up from a long sleep, I realized what an idiot I had been and for how long it had gone on. Of course, I still hurt the people involved (because I am so very good at hurting people, trust me, I have references). But I lived through pain, too.

How to deal with this? How do I ever move on from such a clusterfuck? (this is but a glimpse, and it’s confusing on purpose, the people I’m involved with haven’t given consent to be included in my stories).

The Dalai Lama says:

“The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience.”

So I have my work cut out for me. Learn more, learn about my emotions and what the fuck happened. Learn to practice tolerance and patience.

Practice. Lots of practice.

Tags: , , ,

Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.

March 8, 2012 in Mindfulness, Personal by Ben

One of those strange things that occurred to me recently is how much I fucking love Scott Pilgrim. This came to me while I was running the other morning.

(I need to warn you here that some of what I write may spoil the movie for you. So if you haven’t, go watch it, then come back)

Because Scott is on a journey, too. He thought he knew what he wanted, he went through the motions, he started feeling like a victim or pawn. He got pissed off about how things were going. He struggled to get a handle on things, and in spite of all that he has gone through, ends up losing Ramona to Gideon.

So a desolate landscape evocative of a “Game Over” screen signifies the lowest point of the story, where Scott is at his weakest and most vulnerable. An Extra Life signifies a resurgence of willpower, and a Sword signifies the driving emotional force. These symbols come together to form a cohesive narrative: weakness, debilitation, doubt, followed by deep introspection, followed by a sudden realization, followed by a resurgence of will, followed by a triumphant return.

Scott felt defeated, down. Lost.

And then, in his darkest hour, he got back up.

In the end, Scott learns a lot about himself and his world, and he ends up doing something about it. He not only earns the power of love, he earns the power of self-respect. The fact that ‘earning’ something in his video game-ish world is a great metaphor for truly learning it in life is part of why I love this movie.

And I thought I was just making up bullshit but then I saw this cool article and it covers the exact same thing. That’s where I grabbed the quote in the box to the right.

Around two or three months ago, around Thanksgiving and Christmas, I don’t know I could have felt much worse. It seemed like rock bottom, I saw my version of the “Game Over” screen. It was a very dark and lonely time. No, I didn’t get an extra life symbol, and didn’t acquire a flaming sword (that would have been really cool, though). I learned that good friends are hard to find. I figured out which friends I could ultimately lean on and was very surprised. It wasn’t like I expected, but I did finally (to keep with my bad analogy) ‘level up.’

That’s behind me, now. I still have challenges, I still need to defeat my NegaScott. I’m looking ahead and hoping to level up again. Maybe it’s nearing the time for my triumphant return.

Tags: , ,

« Older entries