farts

Scene 1:

I’m sitting on the toilet, it’s 5:00 AM. No lights, trying not to disturb anyone who is sleeping.

I fart.**

The dog comes running in from the other half of the house, acting like she hasn’t seen me in months and OH MY GOD HERE YOU ARE!

Scene 2:

Sitting at breakfast, and the oldest comes running in with underwear over his head and face, yelling “this is an armed robbery, hands up!”

“Uh, why aren’t your hands up?”

“Because you have underwear on your head.”

Scene 3:

My youngest boy loves to belt out “You’re a grand old flag” at the top of his lungs while getting dressed. And you thought they don’t teach them anything useful in school.

** note: the fart was the foghorn kind, not the bog of eternal stench kind. Not that the dog would care.

A guy is at a nightclub. His bowels start to grumble and can feel a huge fart coming on. He heads for the toilets, but there is a line of people already waiting. He is getting desperate and would be very embarrased if other people heard him passing wind. Then he notices a lady with her poodle, and thinks “if I sit near the dog and fart, people will think the dog did it”.

He races over near the dog, and lets out a beauty.

The lady says “Fido!!”.

The guy thinks “Yes…this is working!”, and lets out another fart.

The lady repeats “FIDO!!!!”.

The guy thinks “What an idea, no one will know it was me,” and lets out another fart.

The lady screams “FIDO!!!!!! Come here before he shits on you!”

For my buddy Y, who may be feeling crappy but can still appreciate a good fart joke.