depression

Depression isn’t fun, or funny. It’s a slippery bugger, just when you think you’ve got a handle on it, it turns out it has you, instead.

Perhaps I should preface this entry with: it may self destruct, faster than I can.
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I know I joke a lot about feeling old. I’m only forty two (”WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU MULTIPLY SIX BY NINE?”) but that isn’t the point, really.

You’re only as old as you feel, right?

It was almost a year ago that I ran my first 5K race. I had just finished the (fabulous) Couch to 5K plan from Cool Running. I wasn’t expecting much, but I finished, and ran about 12:09 minute miles. As of that time I had run ninety miles.

This morning I ran 5K in 11:30. I’m closing in on 500 miles for the year. Last August I weighed 255, this morning it was 263. I’ve cut way back on coffee, I drink bottled water, have high fiber cereal for breakfast (Colon blow!) many mornings, drink much less alcohol than I used to, and my blood pressure has come down considerably.

So other than being heavier and not much faster, I’m doing OK, I guess.

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Five days.

That’s how long my caffeine withdrawals lasted.

You’re probably saying “WTF?”

Well, I tried a little experiment. I’ve talked before about my New Years resolution to cut back on the coffee. WAAY back. “Everything in moderation” I said. Well, that helped some. But not enough.

I don’t like the person I am sometimes, and I blame it on lots of things - stress, depression, medicine, lack of sleep, too much sleep, lack of sex - the list goes on and on.

(astute readers will notice I did not say “too much sex” in that list, because I’m pretty sure there is no such thing)

And my blood pressure! Dang, it’s all over the map. This in spite of generally eating healthy and exercising. Gee, blood pressure might be related to being a grumpy asshole much of the time, ya think?

So here was my experiment - I quit drinking coffee. (insert ‘Airplane!’ quote of your choice here). Go ahead, laugh - I am. Now.

OMG people, let me tell you - it is not well documented by doctors, but caffeine withdrawal sucks, and not in a good way. I’m here to testify. It all happens and more. (Roseanne Roseanna Danna? Yup.)

But after five days, I’m feeling much, much better. Almost human. And? I haven’t died! I didn’t fall asleep at my desk! (well, almost, it was touch and go for a couple days there).

All I have to do now is try and repair the damage done with my family, especially over the past week, but perhaps over the last ten or fifteen years. I had no idea what a jerk I had been, until I’m looking at it now, without coffee-colored glasses. I’m still an ass, but maybe I can manage my inner asshole a little better now. I hope so. My kids, my wife, everyone - they deserve much better than I have been giving, for a long time now.

So, pushing ahead, and onward, I suppose. Just felt like sharing.

okay, I don’t like having this as my only post, but I have to get it on paper (okay, blog, same thing) or it’ll rattle around in my brain all morning and make it worse.

I feel the “[tag]creeping crud[/tag]” that sometimes hits me. I don’t know why, I don’t know how. I feel all down and out and shit. And you know what? I don’t need this shit. Not today. Not this week. Not the day before fucking Valentine’s Day.

Gah!

Quick, somebody throw a cream pie at me or something to get me out of this funk.

(sorry, anyone looking for entertainment or boobies or whatever, I’ll try harder next entry, promise)