borowitz_report

The Borowitz Report .com: “According to People spokesperson Marla Divicentis, the magazine’s editors took the unusual step of putting a fetus on the cover after sneaking an early peek at Ms. Jolie’s ultrasound and pronouncing the unborn child “uber-hot.”

“We took one look at that ultrasound and decided that, quite simply, we had never seen a sexier fetus,” Ms. Divicentis said. “It is way hotter than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ fetus.”

“It certainly is a lot taller,” she added.”

BARBARA BUSH RELOCATED
Former First Lady Moved to New Location Away From Cameras, Microphones

Just days after former First Lady Barbara Bush made widely publicized remarks about people made homeless by Hurricane Katrina, the White House said today that Mrs. Bush had been moved to “a new location away from television cameras and microphones.”

Mrs. Bush, who in talking about Katrina refugees said that “This is working very well for them” and that many of them “were underprivileged anyway,” was transported to a facility where she will have plenty of food and water but no more media appearances, the White House confirmed.

“She will be much more comfortable in this new location, surrounded by armed guards on a 24-hour basis, than she was at her compound in Kennebunkport,” said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “This is working very well for her.”

Responding to a reporter who questioned whether Mrs. Bush would be happy being uprooted from her estate, Mr. McClellan said, “She was overprivileged anyway.”

While the White House took credit for its success in relocating Mrs. Bush, some congressional critics argued that it did not act quickly enough to relocate the outspoken former First Lady.

“This was an emergency situation,” said Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del). “They should have relocated her the minute she opened her piehole,”

For her part, the former First Lady remained out of view, but released the following official statement: “I am doing well, but I remain envious of those who were relocated after Hurricane Katrina – boy, do those folks have a sweet deal.”

Elsewhere, President Bush mourned the passing of actor Bob Denver, calling the “Gilligan’s Island” star “a great American and a role model for me personally.”

The Borowitz Report .com: “The Iraqi dictator made the extraordinary request in a special hearing today, telling the judge in his case, “There is no jury in the world better qualified to hear my case than those twelve people who just let Michael Jackson walk.”

In addition to requesting the Jackson jury, Saddam also requested that the mother of Mr. Jackson’s accuser be called upon to testify against him in his trial.

The Iraqi madman, who had been gloomy and depressed in recent months, reportedly “perked up” when the Jackson verdict was announced earlier this week, sources inside his prison said.

“When the verdict was read and it was not guilty on all counts, Saddam practically jumped out of his chair,” one source said. “He was like, ‘I’ve got to get that jury – they’re awesome!’””