borowitz-report

Could Cause Users to Become Ho’s, Company Says

The makers of the popular drug crack issued a safety warning today, advising crack’s millions of users that habitual use of the stimulant could cause them to become ho’s.

A spokesman for Pharmacia Cranque LLP announced the safety warning from its corporate headquarters in Brussels, causing its shares to plummet on Wall Street.

“Clinical studies have shown that continued use of crack may, in some rare instances, cause the habitual crack user to become a crack ho,” said spokesman Jean-Luc Van de Velde.

While not every crack user becomes a crack ho, Mr. Van de Velde added, “the occurrence of crack ho’s per one million crack users was high enough to warrant this safety advisory.”

BUSH OUTSOURCES STATE DEPARTMENT

President George W. Bush seized the opportunity presented by Colin Powell’s resignation as Secretary of State to outsource the State Department to India, the White House confirmed today.

With budget deficits spiraling out of control, the president saw a chance for significant cost-savings by having all of the State Department’s diplomatic functions handled by a single calling center in Bangalore.

Starting in January, all nations interested in engaging the U.S. in a range of diplomatic communications will be able to do so by dialing one easy-to-remember toll-free number, the president said.

Around the globe, world leaders bemoaned the demise of the State Department, with France’s Jacques Chirac offering perhaps the harshest words of criticism for the president’s decision: “World diplomacy cannot be put on hold with music.”

But President Bush brushed aside Mr. Chirac’s comment, telling the French president that if he had issues to discuss with the U.S., “Try us in the evening when calling volume is lighter.”

In Bangalore, Surjit Ramesh, 31, said he was “very excited indeed” about being the sole employee of the one-room calling center that is replacing the U.S. State Department.

While Mr. Ramesh said he would have his hands full conducting all of the business of the State Department by himself, he said the White House gave him helpful tips to make his job easier: “If anyone with a French accent calls, I’m supposed to hang up.”

Elsewhere, President Bush spoke out against the importation of cheap drugs, citing Anna Nicole Smith.

After reviewing exit polls revealing that “values” and “moral issues” were foremost in the voters’ minds, Ms. Hilton shelved her plans for a new sex tape and began exploring the feasibility of starring in a faith-based tape instead. “In the past, when people have heard the name ‘Paris Hilton’ they’ve thought ‘spoiled sexpot,’” Ms. Hilton said at a press conference today. “From now on, when they hear ‘Paris Hilton’ they’re going to think ‘spoiled opponent of gay marriage.’”