I’ve written here before about being alone and accepting it. I’m still working on this concept, and probably will be for a while.
I need to be even more comfortable just being alone. I don’t need someone to want me or need me – it would be nice, but I don’t think I need it any more. Every time I have strong feelings about “being wanted” it comes back to bite me in the ass, and I think the universe is trying to tell me something. I’m sick of being told something to spare my feelings or because “it’s what I want to hear.” Fuck everything about that.
Acceptance. I need to accept myself for what I am and quit giving flying fucks about what anybody else thinks of me.
I should stop here.
. Think about when you are NOT alone … but STILL “dissatisfied” <– may not be the best descriptive word … ie: you are not 100% happy even though you are with someone.
Acknowledge that moment. "hmmm – here I am, WITH someone – and yet wishing "something" were different." (they ENJOYED being at this restaurant – and weren't just here because it was my choice, that they LIKED this movie, NOT just here because *I* wanted to go to this movie, yada-yada-yada.)
Now … next time you are alone … doing what YOU love/want to be doing … appreciate the moment. YOU are doing what YOU love. End of story. It WOULDN'T be "better" if someone were with you because, remember, "THEY" don't "love" X. "They" would be (insert attitude) if they were here.
And viola … you have learned how to accept (even enjoy) being alone … and when you find those things you BOTH like to do … HALLELUJAH!! – that is wonderful too. But if you don't find those things … it is OK … because being alone – and doing what YOU LOVE is acceptance. And you've realized that it's not "better" just because someone else is there with you.
(and way to long comment). 🙁
thank you thank you for your comment! Never worry about a comment being too long, no such thing.
This is good advice. I think I’m having a hard time conveying my thoughts about what I’m going through, but this still applies in many ways.
I’ll try not to be too wordy, but try and clarify, too. I’m physically not alone; I’m with my family. Because of my self-esteem issues (that I have been working on, haha, for a long time), much of the time I feel alone if I don’t get the reaction from others that I want. This makes me vulnerable to someone who tells me what I want to hear. To borrow a phrase from the Rolling Stones, I fell hard for someone “practiced at the art of deception.” I was an utter fool and it was because I really needed to hear that I was a great person and wow I bet you are good in bed and wouldn’t it be great if…
It was total horse shit but because of my needy nature it made sense at the time. Now I know better. Now I know what I want and what will make me happy and that’s what I’m focusing on.
Stress brought about this blog entry, when i get stressed my brain goes back to the “omg I need someone to hold me and want me” mode. Reality check: that someone that I want so badly to need and want me isn’t in the same place, so that’s when I need to remind myself that I need to focus on me and let the chips fall where they may (a crappy phrase but I’m not finding the right words again). I can love and cherish but I can’t make her respond in kind.
Am I making any sense? Probably not 😛 I’m okay, really, in fact I’m good. It’s just sometimes in the middle of the night when I get scared or lonely, and that’s okay, too, it’s proof that I’m alive.
crap – my and tags got eaten.
Totally makes sense.
For me what happens after the “omg I need someone to hold me and want me” episode – and someone complies … is doubt they were sincere … which – when we are talking about self-esteem and being vulnerable feels so “exposed” with those we love/who are near to us/in our lives … so I totally discount it.
But with a stranger (or someone who doesn’t have to deal with me day-in-day-out) … it’s a little bit easier to HEAR the lie … but I still don’t REALLY believe it because *I* really “know” what a piece of crap I am. Why LOOK! For confirmation that “day-to-day” person TELLS me (confirms) I am a piece of crap (usually warranted because I am being a butthead) … however – what they are saying is “RIGHT NOW” you are being a *piece of crap*. NOT, “there isn’t a single redeeming thing about you”.
And the stranger? What they are really saying (I think) is, “I’m getting something fleeting and temporary out of this transaction that fills a need. But *HOLY CRAP* do you think I’m going to deal with this ALL THE TIME?”
Does that align a little better?