An alert reader wrote to me and said:

“I know that I’m pretty isolated but I never thought there would be something called panda porn…not referring to your blog. Thought it was just a joke. But after googling, I’m afraid that it’s a real thing & I’m too scarred to click on to see what it really is. Maybe your brave enough.”

Heh. With a challenge like that, what’s a boy to do? Of course I went looking (this is a whole line of porn, previously unbeknownst to me) and lemme tell you: it’s the real deal.

Guess what? It’s brought to you by the Chinese. Yes, the same people (and you can look this up) that have Google and Yahoo block searches for things like “democracy” and “rights” and “Angelina Jolie’s Twins” actually came up with ‘panda porn’ to – you’re not gonna believe this – try and get pandas to mate.

So, the pandas won’t have sex with each other (perhaps they have nothing in common, perhaps one’s a Steelers fan and the other a Cowboys fan, I dunno), so they go and actually make a movie and play it for the pandas hoping it’ll inspire them to do the horizontal bop. Now if Papa Panda would quit spending all his time at Hooters, he might actually get some once in a while (at least, that’s what my wife has told me).

First off, here’s what Google says:

“panda porn” – Google Search: “Results 1 – 10 of about 17,100 for ‘panda porn'”

That’s a lot of Panda porn. I think we can safely assume that about 17,000 of those sites are probably blogs whining about (or declaring the benefits of) Panda Porn. I’m pretty sure I heard that here in Texas they are going to draft a constitutional amendment saying that porn can only be between men and women, or women and women (none of that man-on-man stuff, that’s the gay) and certainly no pandas should be involved.

Then I go and find this site, which is one of the top hits for Panda Porn, which very nicely covers the topic in a healthy way and point-counterpoint style.

For example:
point: “With their natural habitats diminishing, pandas in captivity face a sexual crisis.”

counterpoint: I’d face a sexual crisis too if I had to fuck next to a group of six year olds buying a sno-cone.

See what I mean? This is classic stuff, and a great way to learn about Panda Porn without actually, you know, watching or accidentally creating Panda Porn.

I dug around some more, and found this revealing tidbit:

The tapes are being politely referred to as “sex-education” videos, but reportedly they’re simply videos of pandas having sex.

Panda Porn even has it’s own Myspace.com page (but I’m thinking that’s a joke, the dude claims to be 100 years old, but just graduated college. I think not. Average lifespan of a giant panda is around 15 years.

Finally, I leave you with pandaporn.org. It’s exactly what it says it is. Kinda. Work safe if you work at a zoo or veterinarians office, or don’t mind having cartoon pandas bonking on your screen to loud techno music.