Me: Where’s your homework?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Okay… where’s your backpack?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Can we perhaps look for it?
Him: No, “Smallville” is on.
Me: click.
Him: Gosh!
Me: Once again, where’s your backpack?
Him: It’s still in the car.
Me: …
Him: Can I watch “Smallville” now?
Me: No, it’s time to do your homework. Go get your backpack.
Him: But I don’t know where it is!
Me: You just said it was in the car.
Him: Oh, yeah.
Me: Can you maybe go get it now?
Him: Okay.
(minutes pass)
Him: I found my backpack, but the dog got out when I came back inside.
Me: (go get dog)
Me: Okay, how are we doing on homework?
Him: Huh?
Me: Your homework. How are you doing on it?
Him: I can’t find it.
Me: Wasn’t it in your backpack? (dreading answer)
Him: No.
Me: Well, where is it?
Him: I took it out of my backpack. It’s probably still in the car.
Me: (must. control. fist. of. death.)
Him: (realizing his certain peril) I’ll go get it.
(minutes pass, I’m holding the dog by the collar the whole time)
Dog: Gah!
Him: Okay, here it is.
Me: Finally. Let’s read the directions.
Him: Answer the following problems. Color all the “even” answers to complete the puzzle. My teacher said we don’t have to color the answers.
Me: But that’s half the directions! 1) solve 2) color
Him: She said it was optional!
Me: Okay, look, it’s your grade. But if you don’t follow directions and get a bad grade, don’t blame me.
Him: Nice try at a guilt trip, dad.
Him: Hey, can I have some carrots? (jumps up)
Me: Can you start working the problems now?
Him: (munch munch) after I eat my carrots. Can I have some juice?
Me: AFTER you do some homework.
Him: OK. (does problems. Takes three minutes)
Me: Are you going to color the even ones?
Him: No, it’s optional. You never listen to me!
Me: …
Him: Hey, we have crayons! (jumps up)
Him: (colors happily)
Me: great, thanks. Now when is this due?
Him: It’s optional! Sheesh.
Dog: Gah!

Oh, yes, and that was just the first page. I’ll let you imagine the other ten.