today’s bit of zen

OK, I guess I’m gonna talk about this until I finally run out of steam..

From the article I linked the other day there is this little bit about living after letting go of the illusion that we control everything:

We stop trying to control others, and focus instead on being kind to them.

Obviously a broad statement, but it came to mind today. My son is struggling with school, with life in general; and this morning he called me at work to ask me to pick him up as he didn’t feel well. He said the nurse told him he was well enough to go to class. I told him to stick with it.

He called back 30 minutes later, more urgent. Said please, again.

I faced a choice – do I make him stay, or do I pick him up and take him home? That’s why this quote came to mind. Do I choose the control option (which was my first reaction) and make him stay in class for the afternoon, or do I just say ok, he’s been struggling, give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe he really is sick, let him go home and rest instead.

I went to the school to talk to him. He didn’t know I was coming, since on the phone I told him he had to try and make it. I watched from the hallway and he looked like he was about to fall asleep, in the front row of the classroom while the teacher talked five feet away.

I decided to take him home for the afternoon, let him sleep, and we’d have a fresh start tomorrow. As I write this he is snoring on the couch. Time will tell if I chose well or poorly.

still swimming

Hey, you know what? After posting my big entry about letting go of the need to control everything, and not dwelling on things that I really can’t control even if I wanted to, and stepping lightly?

Y’all, this shit’s hard.

I know I’m vague a lot, because I try and describe the feelings and the bigger picture, which to me is more important than the details. One problem I repeatedly experience is that I get bogged down in the minute details, and dwell on ‘what if’ or ‘OMG this is horrible’ and forget to step back and realize that overall, big picture, things aren’t so bad and I’m stronger than I give myself credit for and so is everyone I’m involved with.

In other words, when things go to hell, I lose my faith.

I’m lucky to have a lot of support and encouragement, otherwise I would have given up (for reals) a long time ago. I need to learn, really, to go with the chaos, celebrate the victories, feel the love, and let the setbacks go.

that C word

Life is very interesting these past few weeks. My kids, my family, myself, we are all struggling. There are multiple things going on, I’d rather not go into details, but it’s been tough, and will be for a while.

One thing that keeps coming to mind, is the need for control. Lots of people need to feel control, of course. My kids are fighting for control – my oldest wants to choose not to go to school, my middle child is feeling helpless about how my marriage failed. They act out in their own ways. I find myself wanting to control how they are responding, as if they were machines that suddenly malfunctioned.

I feel like I don’t have enough control. About the only thing I feel is really under my control is my diet and exercise. I have things I want, and no matter how much I am willing them to happen, it’s not up to me. It is the source of a ton of frustration and anguish. It leads to feeling like the world is somehow doing things to me. As if I were that important.

“You are not in charge here.”

Today I’m checking blogs and Colleen had just posted her thoughts about the idea of who is in control (short answer: NOT US). I’m not saying that I’m certain it is God, but I’m pretty sure the harder I (we) try and control things, the more they slip through my fingers. (Princess Leia said as much a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away).

When we are in the midst of chaos, let go of the need to control it. Be awash in it, experience it in that moment, try not to control the outcome but deal with the flow as it comes.

Colleen also linked to this excellent piece at Daily Zen, and I’ve read it a dozen times already. I love the fish concept. Fish don’t try and control their world, they just exist in it. In the moment. Never mind that many of them are very briefly in the food chain, it’s still a valid idea. Why do I think I’m any different? That I can affect things on such a grand scale? The energy I expend trying to control everything around me is huge.

Also this:

  • We learn to accept the world as it is, rather than being annoyed with it, stressed by it, mad at it, despaired by it, or trying to change it into what we want it to be.
  • We learn that trusting our values is more important to taking action than desiring and striving for certain outcomes.
  • We take each step lightly, with balance, in the moment, guided by those values and what we’re passionate about … rather than trying to plan the next 1,000 steps and where we’ll end up.

I have a lot to learn about living in the moment. I need to learn to just keep swimming.