From one of the best movies of all time, Ghostbusters.
Gozer: Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveller has come! Choose and perish!
Ray Stantz: What do you mean, choose? We don’t understand!
Gozer: Choose! Choose the form of the Destructor!
Peter Venkman: Oh, I get it. Real cute! [to the others] Whatever we think of– if we think of J. Edgar Hoover, J. Edgar Hoover will appear and destroy us, Okay? So empty your heads, don’t think of anything. We’ve only got one shot at this.
Gozer: The choice is made!
I’ve been reading a lot about depression over the past several months, trying to understand a bit more about myself. I often think of my depression as ‘crippling.’ But compared to what I read?
It’s not.
I have a job. I’ve held the same job for over a decade and have had fewer than a dozen jobs in the last thirty years. I don’t have a problem keeping a house. I don’t have a real problem getting out of bed (most days). My health is OK (but could be better).
I’m not stuck to my couch. I am paralyzed in many social situations, but that’s because I’m a dork, not because I’m depressed. I don’t engage in many self-destructive behaviors, the worst of which is I like wine.
But then, I realized what I keep doing. I cannot stand myself, I can’t enjoy what I have, I can’t just be happy.
I will take all that is good in my life and fuck it up. I will hurt the ones I love repeatedly. It may take a day, it may take a year, it may take 28 years, but I’m extremely thorough, I will destroy any happiness I have.
I am the Marshmallow Man.
And for now, at least, the only way I feel I can stop hurting my friends, family, and loved ones, is to stay away. I’m fucking done. I’m tired of causing tears, and crying them myself. I feel toxic.