Hey, you.

You got ta move it

I’m less whiny tonight. Just put a pasta dish in the oven that should feed me for a couple of weeks. I have lots of little plastic containers and split it into servings and freeze most of it. I can take some for lunch a couple days a week, have it for dinner a day or so. Break up the monotony of salads and sandwiches (my usual easy go-to meal). I splurged and bought “fancy” parmesan cheese. Hell, I can’t really tell if it tastes much better than the ol’ Kraft cheese in the green can, but it looks nice. I thought about following a suggestion I read in a cookbook and buying a block of parmesan and grating my own. “It’s cheaper and tastes better,” the book said.

Not at my store, it isn’t. Little tiny block of cheese that costs double per ounce the other options. Maybe I just shop at the wrong store.

I see you, worried that this is turning into a food blog. Aw hell no. I’m just hungry and waiting for the cheese to bubble so it’s on my mind.

Back to work in the morning after taking off Presidents’ Day.

The picture is what I cooked tonight, btw.

it just seems whiny

I was talking to my therapist last week. He is busy playing ‘catch up’ on all my issues; I’ve known him about ten years but haven’t gone to him for therapy in about five years, probably more. Yeah, I could look it up, but nobody gives a shit about exactly how long it’s been. Last year I saw a different therapist, someone I liked a lot. I’m not sure what to think about that.

“It’s been a… a long time since my last confession.”

Yeah, everyone knows what that means. It’s been TOO long, ha.

So where was I? Playing catch up. Yeah. The best way I can describe my mental state is “clusterfuck.” My spell check tells me that isn’t a word, but it is totally a word, and it’s where I’m at many days. So when i decided to return to therapy, I sat down and tried to figure out some kind of game plan; what did I need to focus on for optimal results? Yeah, I overthink everything, I’m under delusions that I know how to “do therapy” better than my actual therapist, lol. I have issues with myself, with my kids, with work, with my wife, hell, I can probably work in my parents and the environment and politics, too, if there’s time.

Naturally, my doctor saw through most of my bullshit, it didn’t take him long to tell me a few things that I probably already knew but kept denying. We did talk a bit about depression. Yeah, I’m glossing over stuff here, but that’s because I write these things down as a means to sort through my own feelings. I don’t know that anyone is actually reading here, or how you may feel about what I write, that is all secondary to my writing things down 😉 Again I digress. My depression. Yes, it’s there. Does it impair me? Of course. But HOW badly does it impair me, and what to do about it?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just pee in a cup, or get an x-ray, and get back a firm diagnosis of your mental state? It doesn’t work that way. LMAO.

Anyway, we talked about it, and one of his questions was about what happened to my mood when I moved out. To me, it seemed, for lack of better terms, flat. I didn’t fall off a cliff, but I wasn’t happy, either. Of course it’s more complicated than that, this is a bit of diarrhea of the brain. I’m also looking back after seven or eight months and trying to remember how I was feeling at the time. I found myself telling him of things I do like about living alone.

I can be nekkid anytime I want.

I don’t have to share the TV. I can watch movies, listen to music when I want.

I can choose what I eat and when.

It’s quiet when I want it to be. Which is a lot of the time.

My list goes on. Very superficial stuff, for the most part. I feel selfish for feeling the way I do. I feel selfish for seeing any silver lining at all in my failing marriage. Maybe my wife is right, that all I want is to take the easy way out, to escape my responsibilities. Escape. (I hear Dory say “E-Scop-A”) But what, if any, of these things are because of depression? And ultimately, does it matter if it’s because of depression or because of something else? When I say “I like to pick what I eat for dinner,” am I dodging a bigger question, or am I really just happy about picking my dinner?

I miss things, too. I miss adult conversation. Adult as in ‘grown up,’ not adult as in sexy. Yeah, honestly I miss sex, too, and I miss holding hands and sharing jokes and winks. I miss sleeping beside my wife. I doubt she misses my snoring and farting. I don’t think I was a very good partner, looking back. Not that I can change the past. I miss my kids. I miss my puppy dog. I wonder what tomorrow will bring, or next month, or next year. I have honestly wondered at tunes if I would even be around next month or next year. So much of this I’m making up day to day.

I warned you, this was going to be rambling.

My list of things to work on in therapy keeps growing. My bank account does not. This is gonna be a bit of a wild ride, and probably too short, and then wherever I am I’m gonna have to just move on.

Maybe I need to learn a new strategy

One of my many faults is that I fail to think objectively through things sometimes. I get an idea in my head, and then I can’t let go of it, and it sort of takes on a life of its own.

Here’s a small example to illustrate what I mean. A while back one of my kids joined the chess team at school. I don’t know what he’s doing in the club, other than going to meetings before school one day a week. But it planted an idea in my head – what if I could (re)learn how to play chess, and then we could play each other! That makes sense, right?

I played a little bit when I was a teen or so, nothing much; I remember what move each piece can make but that’s about it.

So then the idea went a little further – playing chess on my phone or laptop is rather not satisfying. How about if I actually had a chess set? Then we could play together. Maybe my other kids would like to learn the game. Maybe it would be better than sitting here and watching ICarly reruns. Someone told me that their kid plays with his therapist each session, that it helps give insight into his thought patterns, that the therapist could see how he responded to stress or feeling cornered, feeling as if he didn’t have the upper hand, how he would shut down when he felt overwhelmed. It sounded.. logical (ha, I’m watching Star Trek while I type this).

So I’ve been reading about the game, and I bought a chess set. Which is funny, considering I have much better things to spend money on, like food or gas or rent. Ya know, little things. But maybe this will turn out to be a not too bad idea, unlike most of my little obsessions. We’ll see.