Honesty.
It seems like such a basic thing.
Am I expecting too much? To expect that people tell me what they think, how they feel? To tell me the truth, and not what they think I want to hear?
I fucking hate when I have been lied to, misled. If I have lied to someone, I expect that they fucking hate it, too.
One of my biggest weaknesses is not being able to communicate.
I truly suck at being direct with anyone if it is at all important to do so. I know how to talk the talk, I’ve read all the articles. I hate passive-aggressive bullshit and avoidance as much as the next person. And yet I struggle and it is obvious.
I write here as a release. It’s just for me. In fact, I received my 30 day notice for my domain name expiring (something as brilliant as oldsillybear, I’m sure that google and microsoft would like to snap it up if I don’t renew it, as long as apple doesn’t outbid them) and i’m not sure I want to pay the fee. I haven’t even opened the email to see how much it is. Every time I renew (I think it’s every three years? I suck at remembering this stuff) Since it is a public blog, I know it can be read by anyone. It’s not exactly a secret.
I don’t write coded messages here, or any bullshit like that. That would take more effort than I can spare right now, I’m doing well to just get through most days. Even so, there are things I would write about, but I’m afraid they would be misinterpreted. I set my twitter feed to private when I realized just how often I was talking about drinking and how unpredictable I can be after having ambien. Same with FB.
So here I have a forum where apparently I’m not afraid to say things, yet I hold myself back, and then in private when I need to tell someone things, I’m afraid to or unable to or scared or who knows what the hell is wrong with me. It’s just strange. This causes plenty of problems. LOL. Yeah.
Where was I? Oh. Want to hear something funny? I came here to write about running barefoot. WTF? My brain is wired funny. I’ll write about that some other time. Horrible Bosses is on. “You can’t win a marathon without putting some band-aids on your nipples.” Kevin Spacey fucking rocks.
The subject of this post makes little to no sense, but that’s ok. I was going for a Yoda vibe, which I decided to do when I was halfway done writing it.
Whatever.
I’m trying to overcome my own inner assholitude in order to rebuild my life. I want it all and I want it now, but I’m not ready yet. Others aren’t ready yet, either. You can’t force this stuff, it has to happen at it’s own pace.
I posted this picture on FB the other day but it makes me laugh so I thought I’d include it here, too.
What the hell am I going on about? I don’t know. I’m motivated to do some things, to talk, to plan, to dream. It has been a long time since I’ve felt this way, because for a very long time I pushed it all aside and focused on negative things, things that just brought me down or held me back or (insert some sort of negative-sounding action here). I’m sick of always being negative, of always struggling, of pretending to smile.
Maybe, hopefully, I think, I’m ready to choose joy. It’s about damn time.