reality

I’ve written here before about being alone and accepting it. I’m still working on this concept, and probably will be for a while.

I need to be even more comfortable just being alone. I don’t need someone to want me or need me – it would be nice, but I don’t think I need it any more. Every time I have strong feelings about “being wanted” it comes back to bite me in the ass, and I think the universe is trying to tell me something. I’m sick of being told something to spare my feelings or because “it’s what I want to hear.” Fuck everything about that.

Acceptance. I need to accept myself for what I am and quit giving flying fucks about what anybody else thinks of me.

I should stop here.

dog people should marry dog people

If you know the source of the title of this post (without googling) and it makes you laugh if I were to say “woof” right now, then we have a bit in common.

This may seem like a bit of a First World Problem, but it something I think about.

See, I’m a Movie Person, and my wife isn’t so much, she’s more of a Book Person. This is not to say that she doesn’t enjoy a good movie now and then, nor saying that I won’t read a book, it is just that our preferred entertainment, given a choice, is one or the other. Sometimes I’ll say “hey, let’s watch this,” and she will humor me but you can see that she really would rather curl up in bed with a book (or kindle). She almost never says “Hey, let’s read a book together,” so the reverse comparison doesn’t really hold.

Can you dig it?And here’s my conundrum: I don’t know if she’ll like one of my favorite movies. By many critical standards, it’s not a great movie. It may not even be a good movie. But it is one of my favorites and can cheer me up no matter how shitty I am feeling.

I’ve put off asking her to watch it, because, well… I don’t handle rejection well, and I don’t want to try my luck just yet. Maybe I should just stick to watching Disney movies for a while longer? And yes, I know that watching a movie together isn’t the best activity in the world, but I think it is fun sharing things…

floating

I’m sitting on the couch watching Being Elmo with one of my kids. We just finished The World’s Fastest Indian.

This is good, this is just being together. No drama, no expectations.

I feel detached, though. Like I need something more. But what? The Elmo documentary is amazing; this young man (at the time) KNEW what he wanted, he worked for it. He did it. Such drive.

What do I need? What do I want? Where do I want to end up?

At this time, I’m here for my kids. That’s about all I can do. I’m trying to come back into their lives, to make a difference, to stop hurting them. So it really doesn’t matter what I want, I have a job to do. My “needs” pale in comparison to this, the biggest and most important job I’ll ever have.

Last night, my daughter asked “Where is your wedding ring?” That’s a long story, honey. A long sad story. I couldn’t tell her my marriage is over, that we are together for them. Maybe that isn’t the final answer, but it’s most of it.

Maybe I’ll tell her someday.