Reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
4. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog’s parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can’t talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won’t hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale’s or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

On getting older

Found this in my e-mail this morning. Coincidence? I think not.

Eric Idle (Monty Python’s Flying Circus) just turned 62
From an interview in “Men’s Health”:

“They say aging is a funny thing. But there’s nothing funny about it at all. You still feel 14, but when you turn on the bathroom light, this ugly old guy in the mirror leaps out at you. Forget all the advertising crap about the golden years; that’s just bull–to try to get you to put your money into real estate. Retirement-living homes are thinly disguised golfing camps. That’s another warning sign of old age: golf. It’s nature’s way of telling you you should be dead.

One or two final tips. Don’t read newspapers. They’re not just bad for trees. Don’t watch TV news. Look at those anchors in their wigs and ridiculous hairdos. Can you trust people who are lying about their appearance? Same goes for TV evangelists. If God wants money, he’ll take it. That’s why he’s God.

Just keep pissing in your pajamas and complaining about everything. That’s the great benefit of old age.”