table talk

This conversation actually happened. Last night. At dinner.

Child: Mommy, remember when I got sick and frowed up?
Mom: Yes, sweety. That was bad.
Child: On yours bed?
Mom: Mm-hmm. Eat your dinner.
Child: And I throwed up on yours bed and my hands and it went on the floor?
Mom: Can’t this wait until after we eat?
Child 2: (Standing at fridge) But I threw up more when I was sick, remember?
Child: And the baby frew up in hers crib! But not like when dad threw up at Shewwy’s house.
Child 2: Mine went everywhere.
Mom: Enough already!
Child: Okay.
(moments pass)
Child: Remember that time I frewed up on the couch?

a day in the life

actual conversation, paraphrased since I wasn’t there:

Mom: Hi, you know that prescription you told us to try, that will help our son sleep at night?

Dr. DooRight: Yes, I gave you a very low dose so we didn’t knock the little guy out. Is he having a hard time waking up for school?

Mom: Well, he doesn’t sleep, it’s making him hyper. He’s bouncing off the walls.

Dr: That can’t be right. I’ve never seen that reaction in ten years of prescribing it. And I surely didn’t expect any side effects at such a low dose! This medicine is like an elephant tranquilizer.

Mom: …

Dr: Can you tell me what you mean by “bouncing?”

Mom: He sprints across the room and slams into the wall. Then does it the other direction. Over and over. When I asked him to stop, he did jumping jacks, cartwheels, and backflips, then bounced on the couch for a while like a trampoline. Before that he would repeatedly climb to the top bunk of his bed and jump off, striking poses on the way down. Did I mention repeatedly?

Dr: And what time did this happen?

Mom: from 8:00 until well past midnite. Non-stop. That would be Non. Stop.

Dr: …

Mom: Should we take him off the medicine?

Dr: Oh, definitely.

Just another day here at Case Studies “backward R” Us.

It’s not a graduation! But it’s a CEREMONY

I just finished watching our First Grade Awards. Every child received an individual “citizenship” certificate. There were things like “most creative” and “friendliest” and “dedicated.”

My son’s turn came. I imagined some of these awards:

  • Future star of “Cops”
  • Best chair toss
  • Overcame most obstacles to still pass
  • Most Days In-School-Suspension
  • Most Creative / Decorative use of a school lunch
  • etc.

What he actually received was “Most Athletic.” Which is okay. I’ll take it.