There was a glitch in my matrix today. I had a moment.

(unrelated music video, but fuck yeah Taylor can rock)

Okay, that’s what I’m listening to this morning. Well, it started when Heaven Knows popped up on my feed. Sorta like this:

(skip to about 90 seconds in for the song to start)

Anyway. I’ve written here many many times (like beating a dead horse) about things. Depression, anger, feeling betrayed, letting go. I’ve written about how I’m sick of living it and sick of writing about it. How hard it is to move on from some rather heavy shit. But it’s my shit. I am my own worst enemy.

So WTF happened? I got sidetracked. I fucked up big time and lost sight of things and allowed myself to be led down a rabbit hole and in the end it destroyed the only important thing I had in my life. I’ve spent years trying to recover and rebuild. I have such anger toward myself (mostly) and this girl. We knew each other literally as kids, as teens, and apparently I had some rather large unresolved issues leftover for all these years. So when she popped up one day on Facebook saying basically “remember me?” it opened the door for a spectacular cluster-fuck. In a matter of months I somehow got it in my head that my marriage was dead and beyond repair and my old friend was going to be my savior and I should walk out the door and try to change things.

What the ever-loving FUCK was I thinking?

It gets better, as I’ve said or at least hinted here, she wasn’t all she made herself out to be, or really any of it. I apparently ignored a hundred red flags, for example she had no pictures of herself at all on FB (she said she was a witness in a gang trial or some shit) and how she refused to send photos. Turns out, haha, she also forgot to tell me she was married (oops) and was basically just trying to prove something to people at home and everything she ever said was not only a lie but some sort of game to see how much she could make the monkey dance. That’s not the important part, the important part is what I did, which is inexcusable and of which I will forever be ashamed. There’s not forgiving shit of this level. I could list a thousand things said or done by another person but it is only because of me that things went to hell. I tore my family to pieces based on a sick joke, it has affected my life and health, and tainted relationships that I have now.

It has been years, four years almost to the day, since I left home. I later moved back, but the damage is done. (tangent: I will never ever visit Chicago, some nut with a gun hates me there). As for the other person, I cut it off long ago, when I finally woke up to the games and bull she was dishing out. I found a therapist and spilled my guts and to his credit he did a lot of good for the brief time we had (of course he left me, too, ha). I guess after a while her mom told her to email me a couple times to explain that she was drunk that year when she talked to me. And she must have finally got bored with me and has finally quit stopping by the blog so much (she had been my number one visitor for two or three years).

Oh, yeah, I came here to write about my moment I had earlier. I know this place ain’t what it used to be, most blogs from my era are gone now, I don’t know why I keep limping along. In any case earlier I saw one of those inspiration poster/instagram things that said “every minute you are angry is sixty seconds you aren’t happy.” I think that’s what it said. I didn’t click on it, apparently. Anyway, I think I need to apply that to myself somehow, and find a way to let go of the bitterness. I’m practicing a few minutes at a time, letting go of old junk, letting some light in. I need that energy for what I love in my life instead of spending it on regrets and anger. Today it worked for a little while. Maybe it will happen again tomorrow.

I’ll take it.

ps: the auto-tagging bot went nuts on this entry. Holy shit.