beach

For everyone who wrote to me demanding to know where my funny and insightful posts from my vacation are (that would be, um, noboby), the sad fact is that we I left the laptop at the condo. And as tempting as it is to drive back to the beach and get it, I realized how impractical that is (if for nothing other than the cost of gasoline) and they are shipping it here.

So until then, tralala, I’ll try and sum up:

Left home and got stuck on highway behind a house.
Three hours later had a blowout, the tire was not worth saving.
Shopped.
Ate. Lots.
Beached.
Swam.
Ate. Lots.
Beached.
Napped.
Swam.
Went to the State Aquarium.
Ate.
Drank.
Saw Fireworks.
Drank. Some.
Ate. Lots.
Beached.
Swam.
Burned.
Packed.
Drove home. All tires worked as designed.
Slept.

I’m gone for a few days.

I’ll be home when I get back.

So, here’s the deal about my latest “quest,” which is to find a beach house or a condo or phone booth or something.

My wife is teaching summer school, and that ends June 30. So we thought we would take a week off sometime in July and go visit a beach somewhere. Probably drive (I think Homeland Security would not allow me to bring my kids onto a plane unless they were heavily sedated. The security guys, not the kids). We were thinking Alabama (”white sugar sand beaches!” I think) Or Port A or Padre. Something like that.

Then we got news that my wife might also be teaching the second summer session, which basically starts the first week of July and runs until three days before the kids go back to school in August (because, ya know, we have to start school in the middle of August, just in case we need a snow day or three before the semester ends)

So that leaves the 4th of July weekend. And, have you ever tried to book a beach house three weeks before the fourth of July? I have, and it ain’t pretty. I’ve zapped my e-mail to so many property management web sites that I should have offers coming out of my ears.

So far I have had one response. So we might be going there. Still looking, but hey? “Available” is a nice amenity right now.

Well, for the curious, here’s where we’ll be next this weekend:

SEASCAPE CONDOS - Galveston, TX

We’ve got a nice unit that has a “beach theme” and a “gulf view.” The kids will be happy to know it has “2 TV’s” and a “VCR” so that means we can watch Harry Potter or Monsters and Ink just like home. Dad is glad it has a king size bed, plus bunk beds, plus sleeper sofas - sleeps 8. So there’s plenty of room for nap-time.

There’s a pool for the non-salty-water experience, it’s about ten miles from most of Galveston so it’s semi-quiet but still easy to obtain supplies. Important to us: it is literally on the beach, we don’t have to ride in the car to go play in the sand.

We will make it a point to ride the boat while we are there (a kid favorite but something my daughter has yet to experience). Actually, there are probably 2,000 touristy things that we have never done in the twenty years we have been visiting this island together, maybe we’ll knock a couple off the list. I want to see the railroad museum but I’m not sure my wife is geeky enough for that. There is also a flight museum near where we are staying but I’m not sure I have enough money left in the budget for that biplane airplane ride I’ve been wanting to take over the island. We’re only there for two days and a morning so I doubt we’ll be doing much other than sun and sand and surf.

We’re packing plenty of chips and popcorn and sunscreen and shovels and the camera (gotta get some more doggie pics for Genuine) and an umbrella and the stroller and beer. And I’m sure a bunch of other stuff I haven’t even thought of yet.

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in
slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.