advice

So, you have no excuse NOT to have that morning quickie…

• Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And  while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
• Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have  to.
• Buy a Tivo (DVR), tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
• When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement,  ”My purpose is to___________ today.”
• Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy. 
• Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in  2007. 
• Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, qigong and prayer. They  provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.  
• Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of  Six.
• Dream more while you are awake.
• Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less foods that are  manufactured in plants.

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Okay, dear reader(s), I have a question for you: How do you teach someone how to swing?

Seriously! This is driving me nuts.

Okay, not swing like Java programming, and not the Jazz scene, and not the grown-up version of swinging. I’m talking sitting on a swing and moving oneself.

Oh, sure, I have kids who can swing very well. They’ve somehow overcome my attempts to actually teach them and figured it out on their own. But my little girl? Is especially stubborn. (anyone just tuning in, I’ve also had a few foster kids over the years, so I’ve probably managed to get ten kids or more swinging at one time or another. No, not on the same swingset).

The problem seems to be in the leg movements. If I say “kick your legs” I’ll get one of a dozen different motions, none of which help the actual swingishness. If I say “stick your legs out” that gets a different (yet still somehow not quite right) response.

So is there a magic thing? I say “look at your brother.” Doesn’t help.

Gah!

It’s not that I don’t want to spend time at the swingset with my dear daughter, it’s that she weighs 40 something pounds and pushing her for up to an hour (yes) can make my shoulders hurt. So I’m trying to empower her to do it on her own.

Any ideas?

Found at Madfish Willie’s Cyber Saloon:

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?’ asked the wife.

‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.’

The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’ She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, Lollipop…. but at the bar..you know..they have frozen glasses… ‘

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?’ She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise…OK?’ ‘You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

‘But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know, there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’

‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? ‘LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A FUCKING BAR!

THAT SHIT IS OVER…GOT IT, ASSHOLE?’